Woman's hunter-gatherer instinct activated while foraging through TK Maxx

A WOMAN’S primeval foraging instincts kicked in as she searched through the wilderness of TK Maxx for anything she might actually wear.

Lauren Hewitt spent close to an hour scavenging through racks of out-of-season skiwear, bizarrely-sized sports clothes and strange shoes, intent on finding something of use to her or her family.

Hewitt said: “Your senses need to be finely tuned in a jungle as untamed as TK Maxx. Every other person here is a competitor for the few pieces of wearable clothing sold in this savage hellscape of a shop. It’s survival of the fittest.

“I nearly got into a fist-fight with a woman after we both spotted a Nina Ricci top amongst all the other weird tat. I’d concealed myself behind a rack of XXXL kimonos waiting to pounce when she swooped in and caught the prey before I got there.

“However, I was lucky enough to track down a fake Le Creuset pan after a lengthy search through the wilds of the homeware section. I couldn’t help but raise it above my head and utter a loud guttural cry of triumph knowing that I’d helped my tribe survive another day.”

TK Maxx employee James Bates said: “That lady comes in all the time. She seems absolutely deranged.”

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Weather enters 'what the f**k should I wear' phase

THE arrival of spring means people across the UK will be wearing the wrong thing every day for the next two months.

Due to the weather constantly dicking about, it will be impossible for anyone to judge whether they should leave the house wearing a swimming costume or a full ski suit.

Carolyn Ryan said: “There was blazing sunshine at 8am, and the weather forecast said it was going to be warm all day, so I wore a sundress and sandals. However, by lunchtime I was worried I’d get frostbite if I nipped out for a sandwich.

“I was trying to avoid what happened yesterday, when it was grey and rainy in the morning. I judged it best to wear my padded coat and winter boots, which meant that I almost passed out in the burning sunshine as I walked to Tesco.

“People say the best thing to do is wear layers, but layers of what? A sarong with a fur coat on top? A full set of thermals and a sun hat? A magic cape? This season is a total ballache.”

A Met Office spokesman said: “It’s impossible even for us to judge what the f**k is going to happen in spring so don’t bother looking at the forecast. Just carry a survival kit of an umbrella and factor 50 suncream at all times.”