Monday, 19th April 2021

Bringing back corporal punishment, and four other political goals for Brexiters

BREXIT has happened and is good and bloody hard, so are hardcore Brexiters happy? Of course not. Leaver Roy Hobbs explains what he’s rabidly obsessing over now: 

Bringing back corporal punishment

I was regularly beaten at school and it hasn’t done me any harm, apart from instilling me with a constant rage and low self-esteem which I take out on anyone I consider to be slighting me: immigrants, benefits claimants and the like. They deserve it. I didn’t.

Bringing back smoking in hospitals

What kind of interfering nanny state stops pneumonia sufferings having a nice relaxing fag on the ward? They did in Carry On Doctor. Also, pregnant women should be forced to drink a pint of nutritious stout every morning and all that libtard nonsense about exercise needs banning.

Making money confusing again

Britain was at its best when we had a horrendously complicated system of money with mad names that had nothing to do with numbers, like florins, crowns and of course the guinea. Never mind that it will be ruinously expensive and entirely pointless. That’s what the people voted for in 2016.

Reinstating the death penalty

Now that we have control of our laws again we can reinstate the best one: state-sanctioned murder of our fellow citizens. It should immediately be used on people I consider ‘woke’, for example teachers and workers for the communist NHS.

Reanimating Oswald Mosley

If we have to have all this new-fangled cloning technology we might as well put it to good use by reanimating Oswald Mosley and setting him up as leader of a new political party with Nigel Farage and Kate Hoey. It would be a huge hit with elderly lunatics like me for whom the Tories are dangerously liberal. Black shirts are fashionable and smart.