Bringing back corporal punishment, and four other political goals for Brexiters

BREXIT has happened and is good and bloody hard, so are hardcore Brexiters happy? Of course not. Leaver Roy Hobbs explains what he’s rabidly obsessing over now: 

Bringing back corporal punishment

I was regularly beaten at school and it hasn’t done me any harm, apart from instilling me with a constant rage and low self-esteem which I take out on anyone I consider to be slighting me: immigrants, benefits claimants and the like. They deserve it. I didn’t.

Bringing back smoking in hospitals

What kind of interfering nanny state stops pneumonia sufferings having a nice relaxing fag on the ward? They did in Carry On Doctor. Also, pregnant women should be forced to drink a pint of nutritious stout every morning and all that libtard nonsense about exercise needs banning.

Making money confusing again

Britain was at its best when we had a horrendously complicated system of money with mad names that had nothing to do with numbers, like florins, crowns and of course the guinea. Never mind that it will be ruinously expensive and entirely pointless. That’s what the people voted for in 2016.

Reinstating the death penalty

Now that we have control of our laws again we can reinstate the best one: state-sanctioned murder of our fellow citizens. It should immediately be used on people I consider ‘woke’, for example teachers and workers for the communist NHS.

Reanimating Oswald Mosley

If we have to have all this new-fangled cloning technology we might as well put it to good use by reanimating Oswald Mosley and setting him up as leader of a new political party with Nigel Farage and Kate Hoey. It would be a huge hit with elderly lunatics like me for whom the Tories are dangerously liberal. Black shirts are fashionable and smart.

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Britain set for glorious summer of car park arguments

THE UK is looking forward to a marvellous summer of bitter arguments in car parks near tourism hotspots. 

The ban on foreign travel means record numbers of families are booking staycations and record numbers of red-faced men will face off about who saw that f**king space first in municipal car parks with a view of the sea.

A spokesman for Visit Britain said: “We’re set for a fantastic summer where some of the UK’s most entitled and needlessly aggressive holidaymakers will swap the sun loungers of the Mediterranean for the priority parking bays of National Trust visitor centres.

“From Cromarty to Cornwall, you’ll be leaving your holiday cottage at 7am to secure a spot only to find that some bastard from Essex is already signalling like it’s theirs even though you’ve been circling for ten minutes.

Mum Nikki Hollis said: “We have two kids, so we had no option to buy a Land Rover Discovery and it’s not our fault these Welsh spaces are so narrow, so piss off.

“I will be making these points three inches from your face while the 16 families queuing at the machine watch in enjoyment, before I try to get them to join in.”

Antagonistic arsehole Jordan Gardner agreed: “I can’t wait to block you in with my Audi in Weymouth this August, and I’m prepared to meet any criticism with loud threats of physical violence I have neither the intention nor the ability to deliver on. See you there!”