BRITAIN finally hurtled beyond the point of no return last night as the political opinions of Simon Cowell were regarded as important.
Around the world dozens of nations have expelled British diplomats, closed embassies and commandeered British businesses after the voting intention of the inventor of Shit Factor and Britain Must be Stopped was the lead story in the country’s biggest newspaper the day before a general election.
The prominence given to Cowell’s thoughts has left the pound teetering on the brink of total and irreversible collapse as the White House made an urgent call for Britain to be suspended from Nato and the country’s permanent seat on the UN Security Council handed to Robert Mugabe.
In Columbia, the leaders of the world’s biggest drug cartels said British people were no longer good enough to buy their cocaine, while Osama Bin Laden insisted that he would not waste perfectly decent bombers on the British but stressed that if we continue to attach importance to any of Mr Cowell’s opinions we will all be dead by the end of May anyway.
Ali-Al Mukhtar, the Pirate King of Somalia, added: “Like everyone else we have a franchised version of Shit Factor, but that doesn’t mean I want his opinion about who should be prime minister. Jesus Christ.”
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Britain is basically finished as a nation. As far as the rest of the world is concerned we are nothing more than a stinking pile of human refuse.
“We are a puke-filled gutter, we are a bucket of piss, we are a used condom in a sandwich made of mouldy bread and rotting chicken gizzards – we are less worthy of respect than our own steaming faeces.”
He added: “Only the Australians seemed to be impressed, so obviously I’ll be killing myself with this crossbow.”