Britain reminded that Melanie Phillips is not well

BRITAIN was last night urged to avoid the schoolboy error of thinking people like Melanie Phillips may have been right all along.

As millions of conversations were peppered with phrases like ‘clip round the ear’ and ‘Gatling gun’, experts reminded the nation that Ms Phillips spends much of her day screaming filth at an old, one-eyed teddy bear.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Yes, we’re all feeling indignant, insecure and confused, but for Christ’s sake get a fucking grip.

“I know that in these circumstances it can be comforting to reach out to someone who seems so certain about causes and cures, but you are still supposed to actually think about it.”

He added: “Ms Phillips has decreed the looters all come from lone parent households where the parents are as bad as the children. And she’s not guessing because she does actually believe she can be in 4,000 living rooms at exactly the same time, like a manic, high-pitched Santa Claus, handing out Bible-based wisdom that nobody asked for.

“But it turns out the looters include a teaching assistant, a postman, a champion balloon bender with seven A-levels and perhaps not surprisingly, His Grace the Duke of Kent.

“Meanwhile many of these kids are less than two miles away from people who get multi-million pound bonuses for catastrophic failure and live in a culture where the material excess of people who are famous for nothing is rammed relentlessly into their faces by middle-brow tabloid newspapers.

“And of course later today the looters will be condemned in Parliament by a bunch of people who stole money by accident.

“Arseholery begets arseholery.

“But no, Carpetright is falling down because of abortion, civil partnerships, tax allowances, drug laws that never worked anyway and a rule that makes it slightly easier for two people who fucking hate each other to stop being married.

“We need to get the army in to rescue that teddy bear.”

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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My girlfriend has terrible flatulence. You’d think that a young lady would have the manners to hold it in, but she has clearly become far too familiar and even thinks it’s funny to force my head under the covers and shout ‘smell the beef’ whenever she lets one go in bed. All I can think of these days is how to escape the next blast from her enormous winking anus. How can I get her to use her bottom for good instead of evil?

Dear Simon,
I shouldn’t worry too much about your wife’s trumpet bum, unless she’s got a habit of following through, and if that’s the case then better make sure lost property is fully stocked with spare pants. Whenever anyone in my class gets over-excited and poos themselves, Mrs Dodkins just tells everyone to calm down and goes to fetch the janitor so he can mop up the mess. Usually he just has to get the sawdust out, but the other day Serena Green got a terrible fright when we were singing Pop goes the Weasel and shat all over the silent reading area. The janitor wasn’t at all pleased when he had to wipe spatter off Watership Down with a J-cloth; thankfully we read that one last term.
Hope that helps!