BRITAIN'S poor people have plumbed new depths of sheer, unbridled ghastliness, according to a new report.
A survey by the Office of National Statistics revealed that people on low incomes have abandoned all recognised forms of decency and are now locked in a spiral of jaw-droppingly unspeakable horror.
The ONS survey found that 64% had considered selling their children to Chinese pirates, while 38% had actually locked their child in a trunk and sent it to the Isle of Man, before asking the News of the World to donate £50,000 to their 'Find My Precious Baby' campaign.
Poor women now have an average of 5.4 children each from an average of 42.6 possible fathers, while more than three-quarters no longer speak a recognisable form of English but communicate with each other through a series of grunts and whistles.
The typical poor person's diet consists of extracting the grease from cheeseburgers and mixing it with Wotsits, before tossing the squeezed meat to their illegal fighting dogs.
Meanwhile more than half spend up to 15 hours a day watching black market Hungarian pornography and Steven Seagal films, while 94% are engaged in depraved sex acts with their girlfriend's great-grandmother in the hope of an all expenses paid trip to the Jeremy Kyle show.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Poor people were especially horrid until the mid 19th Century when many of them suddenly became Australian.
"Since then we have seen a steady increase in their squalid awfulness to the point where their behaviour would be enough to make Fagin puke up his lunch."