Britain's Poor People Now Beyond The Pale

BRITAIN'S poor people have plumbed new depths of sheer, unbridled ghastliness, according to a new report.

A survey by the Office of National Statistics revealed that people on low incomes have abandoned all recognised forms of decency and are now locked in a spiral of jaw-droppingly unspeakable horror.

The ONS survey found that 64% had considered selling their children to Chinese pirates, while 38% had actually locked their child in a trunk and sent it to the Isle of Man, before asking the News of the World to donate £50,000 to their 'Find My Precious Baby' campaign.

Poor women now have an average of 5.4 children each from an average of 42.6 possible fathers, while more than three-quarters no longer speak a recognisable form of English but communicate with each other through a series of grunts and whistles.

The typical poor person's diet consists of extracting the grease from cheeseburgers and mixing it with Wotsits, before tossing the squeezed meat to their illegal fighting dogs.

Meanwhile more than half spend up to 15 hours a day watching black market Hungarian pornography and Steven Seagal films, while 94% are engaged in depraved sex acts with their girlfriend's great-grandmother in the hope of an all expenses paid trip to the Jeremy Kyle show.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Poor people were especially horrid until the mid 19th Century when many of them suddenly became Australian.

"Since then we have seen a steady increase in their squalid awfulness to the point where their behaviour would be enough to make Fagin puke up his lunch."


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Bagpuss Clings To Power

BAGPUSS, Britain's leading fat, furry cat-puss, was last night accused of intimidating voters in his bid to remain the nation's favourite TV animal.

Opponents claim the saggy old cloth cat has deployed the mice from his marvellous mechanical mouse organ to rip down rival campaign posters and beat up members of the Magic Roundabout team.

Witnesses say Gabriel the Toad, Bagpuss's security adviser, threatened voters with an axe before dragging Dylan the Rabbit into a car park, tying his floppy ears together and kneeing him in the groin.

Bagpuss's opponents say he has been corrupted by his decades in power, accusing him of becoming baggy and a bit loose at the seams.

They have also dismissed his claims of an increase in manufacturing productivity, insisting it is just the same chocolate biscuit over and over again.

But Bagpuss's spokesman, Professor Yaffle, said: "Now, now, now, what is all this commotion?

"Intimidation and vote rigging, is it? Well I've never heard of anything so ridiculous in all my days. Calm down at once, you silly protestors."

Meanwhile Gabriel is enforcing a strict curfew, reminding frightened citizens that when Bagpuss goes to sleep all his friends go to sleep, 'or they might just fall down the stairs'.