British media agrees to phased withdrawal of Diana stories

THE British media last night welcomed the Diana inquest verdict and called for the Princess to be laid to rest over a period of 15 to 20 years.

As the inquest jury confirmed that Diana was not, in fact, Spiderman, the UK’s newspapers and broadcasters set out a timetable for reporting other things.

The phased withdrawal begins this weekend with a series of 48-page pull-outs celebrating Diana’s life and hair, while speculating over the true identity of the web-spinning superhero.

From May the tabloids will carry just two Diana stories per week, while the broadsheets will restrict their coverage to writing about the tabloids’ coverage of Diana.

The editors of the Daily Mail and Daily Express have agreed to a five year moratorium on the headline, “Was she Spiderman after all?”, while the Sunday Times will wait until after the death of Prince Philip before running what they promise will be a pathetically flimsy story about his MI6 connections.

All newspapers and broadcasters have also pledged a low key commemoration of the first anniversary of the inquest verdict.

Tom Logan, assistant Diana editor at the Financial Times, said: “As our Diana resources are redeployed it will enable us to devote more space and talent to scaring the absolute fucking bejesus out of people on a daily basis.”

Meanwhile the inquest has been praised for taking just six months and £10 million to conclude that Diana was killed because she was being driven around Paris at 100mph by the drunkest man ever to get behind the wheel of a car.

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Tranquilisers Replace Television As World’s Favourite Childminder

CRUSHING anti-psychotic drugs into some yogurt has replaced television as the world's most popular method of child care, new research shows. 

Almost 70% of mothers said heavy sedation was the best way of neutralising their children while they talked to their friends over a glass of white wine.

Meanwhile 88% of fathers said they liked to give their kids a double dose so they would sit still during Top Gear.

Emma Hollis, 36, said: "When we were first married we liked to eat out a lot, but then, for some unknown reason, I let Tom get me pregnant.

"Then the nightmare began. They would just run around all the time, shouting, laughing and behaving in the most ghastly, childish way. Until we discovered the joy of extra-strength pharmaceuticals.

"Now they're so peaceful Tom is able to flick an olive into Jack's mouth from about six feet away. The drooling can be a bit off-putting, but if it gets bad we just turn their chairs around."

Holly Turnbull, 34, said: "I would never just leave my children in front of the television all day.

"After five minutes the little bastards are either fighting over the controls or playing Manhunt and battering each other with plastic swords.

"Now I crush two tabs of diazepam into their Petit Filous and they just sit there like a couple of turnips. Result."