Heston Demands Right To Shoot Angels

DEAD acting legend Charlton Heston has launched a campaign for the right to shoot angels with a variety of high powered assault weapons.

The 84 year-old, who played Moses, Ben Hur and himself in an episode of Friends, said his heavenly gun rack would be used primarily to shoot the souls of dead animals, including dead deer, dead rabbits and dead pigeons.

But he insisted he and other dead people had a right to protect themselves with a machine gun if an angel broke into their cloud.

Heaven is a relatively crime-free area with gun ownership restricted to licensed hunters and a handful of the bigger saints.

Heston said last night: "I thought heaven was supposed to be a free country. Instead I find it in the grip of hippy communists, pansies and sissy-boy abortion doctors.

"What are these people afraid of? If you've done nothing wrong then the chances of me shooting you are reduced significantly."

He added: "As someone who played Moses in a film, I think I'm more qualified than most to speak on behalf of God.

"The Almighty loves nothing more than spending a weekend in the woods, talking about the Constitution and polishing his favourite Uzi 9mm."

Heston arrived in heaven shortly after a gun had been prised from his cold, dead hands, as predicted.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your Astrological Week Ahead

Taurus (20 APR-20 MAY)

You will be faced with making a decision today, and you're not quite sure what to do. The left shoe is the one we put the red sticker on, remember?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

With your demanding job and your active social life, you are always on the go, and yet you always have the energy for all the things you want to do. No wonder everyone hates you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You had a great first date, you've emailed back and forth all week – so why haven't they asked for a second date yet? If they don't get in touch soon ask them to send back the picture of your cock.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

When it comes to attracting people, you've got a lot of hidden talents in your arsenal! You buy your own drinks and will sleep with anyone. That’s an unbeatable combination.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

You will overhear a stranger talking about how it feels to be loved, and it triggers a memory for you. But that’s all it’s going to be: a memory.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Sure, you could send an email to let someone know you like them. But why not wow them by sending a letter written in your own blood. It’s got to work one time!

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

You're feeling pulled in opposite directions today. Part of you wants to stay in and read and part of you wants to go to the vicar’s sex party. Don’t worry, there’s another next week.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

You work hard, and it is easy to forget to take care of yourself. But you still stink.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Spend some time thinking about what your perfect future would look like. Then forget it. It’s not going to happen.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

The signals you've been getting from your crush are unclear – one minute they are begging you to leave them alone, the next they won’t move, even though you have stopped strangling them. What can it mean?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

You are about to enter a time of rapid personal growth. Make sure your flies are done up. I don’t think the magistrates will buy that accidental exposure line twice in a month.