Britain’s ‘moral values’ based on Star Wars, Breakfast Club and The Godfather

THE ‘moral values’ of most people in Britain are based on classic films from the 1970s and 80s, it has been confirmed.

As politicians once again insisted Britain was a Christian country, millions of people stressed it was probably more of a Star Wars country.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “Star Wars taught me about the importance of freedom, democracy and courage in the face of tyranny. And about the importance of using your miraculous gifts to benefit the entire galaxy.”

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, added: “Breakfast Club taught me that we are all insecure but that through dialogue we can find our common humanity. It also taught me that teachers are the worst people in the world.”

Bill McKay, from Peterborough, said The Godfather taught him that family was the foundation of society, adding: “It also taught me that gambling and prostitution are acceptable sources of revenue, but that drugs are absolutely not.”

Meanwhile, experts said there remains a very small number of people in Britain who are so Christian that they actually go to church once a week but that most of them are really quite unpleasant.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Britain ravaged by annual Creme Egg riots

BRITAIN was a blood-soaked hellhole yesterday as the nation fought to the death over Creme Eggs.

The annual event, which typically kills more than 40,000 people, saw new levels of innovation in makeshift weapons.

Emma Bradford of Bolton, wielding a flaming Dustbuster, said: “The big eggs are a once-a-year spring thing, like human sacrifice. I get that.

“But I’ve been on a Creme Egg a day since January 1st and Easter’s late this year. I’m not ready to go cold cold bunny, I need 254 Creme Eggs to get through the rest of the year.

“Maybe 260, because some days I get sad.”

Social scientist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Creme Eggs have a huge symbolic importance to the UK. They are our only consolation through January, the promise of winter’s end and spring’s new life.

“Contemplating eight months without them causes the fragile British psyche to crack like a chocolate shell and the madness inside to flow out like sweet, sweet white-and-yellow fondant.

“But by Tuesday morning everyone will be back at work and pretending they didn’t tear a man’s throat out with their teeth to get one, just like last year.”