Britons accidentally celebrating pagan festival of Beltane with dull suburban barbecue

THE UK is unknowingly celebrating the ancient pagan holiday of Beltane by having a barbecue with a few cans in the back garden.

Beltane, which marks the beginning of summer, was traditionally celebrated every May 1st by dancing around a bonfire and the holding of a feast, which today’s rituals are a small, pathetic echo of.

Nathan Muir of Coventry said: “It’s a nice dry bank holiday weekend so I felt a primitive calling, deep within my Celtic-nine-times-removed soul, to get the barbecue out.

“Something about kindling those flames seemed right to me. I thought I’d cook lamb on it but instead of slaughtering one myself in front of the whole village I bought it from Sainsbury’s. Don’t know why I even thought of the slaughtering thing.

“Then we had a nice meal on paper plates and I had two lagers, rather than getting violently drunk on home-brewed mead and roaring at the sky in celebration of my tribe having survived another harsh winter.

“Later on me and the boys threw a frisbee around, while in the very back of my mind a thousand blue-painted men leapt through fires and daubed themselves with ashes. It was a lovely day.”

Wife Sharon Muir said: “In the evening Nathan asked if I wanted to make savage love as a celebration of spring and to encourage crop growth in the season to come. But I’d just put a face pack on.”

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Six lies you have to tell your partner or your relationship would be f**ked

HONESTY is great in theory, but it’s also a good idea not to ruin your relationship. Here are some situations where barefaced lies are morally the right thing to do. 

‘I knew you were the one from the moment I saw you’

Well, not really. The truth is you fancied her more attractive friend, but after spending half the evening unsuccessfully trying to pull her you had no option but to go for Plan B. Women, you’ll find, tend not to like being told they were Plan B, yet again proving honesty is bollocks.

‘Your hair looks nice’

She’s spent a sodding fortune at the salon and, if the truth be told, you can’t really tell the difference. Admitting this will result in weeks of stony silence, definitely no sex, and she’ll feel the need to go back to the hairdressers and spaff another 80 quid to put it right. Lie through your teeth. It really is the only option.

‘I still find you attractive’

Relative to your unashamed slob friend ‘Fat Gary’. But to be honest she’s not exactly put up a brave fight against cake either. Best to maintain a conspiracy of lies. No one’s having sex these days because of streaming anyway.

‘Of course I like your parents’

Those little funsters, with their endless tales of how cute she was as a baby and postwar rationing – not to mention their fascinating conversations about the route you took getting there (it’s quicker to take the A419 then the A38, B302 and A33). You’re happy to overlook the fact that they hated you for years. And you’re not just saying that because you’ll inherit their house – the f**king freaks seem to be getting healthier as they get older.

‘I feel really safe with you driving’

Weapons-grade bollocks. He drives like a twat and even the shortest of journeys causes visions of dying in a heap of tangled metal. Meanwhile she drives without paying attention to nuisances like other cars and traffic lights, causing him to instinctively try to control the car with invisible foot pedals. However for the sake of your relationship it’s best to maintain the lie. The airbags will probably protect you from the worst of the impact.

‘I believe in you’

Although they’re not very specific about it. You think it means they believe you’ve got the drive and talent to get a high-powered job you’ve applied for. They might actually mean you can just about be trusted to push the hoover round without f**king it up. With supervision, of course.