'May contain prosecco' t-shirts, and other ways Brits pretend their rampant alcoholism is fun

IT’S hard to believe, but we Brits like a few drinks. However the last thing we want to do is take punishing our livers too seriously. Here’s how to keep terrifying levels of alcohol consumption fun.

Call it ‘team bonding’

Work is one of the few places Brits can’t get absolutely wrecked, unless it’s dressed up as a ‘lunch meeting’ or ‘team bonding’. A birthday, a new employee, a mass redundancy – there’s a dubious reason to head to the pub every single Friday. Drinking a Jager Bomb out of your shoe while your bosses cheer you on is just a form of ‘continuing professional development’.

Seasonal drinks

You can easily swig seasonal tipples all year. The first rays of spring sunshine? Hit the Aperol spritz like you live in f**king Capri. Summer? Cider and chilled wine. Every afternoon. Hot toddies will see you through gloomy autumn to Christmas, when it’s mulled wine, snowballs and everything else you drink anyway. Always look reluctant to accept a drink and say ‘Oh go on then’. That stops you becoming an alcoholic.

‘May contain prosecco’ t-shirts

In terms of hiding in plain sight, it’s hard to beat an allegedly hilarious, booze-themed t-shirt basically calling yourself a pisshead. For some reason prosecco features heavily: ‘Save water, drink prosecco’, ‘Prosecco made me do it’, ‘My blood type is prosecco’. Other sparkling wines must be furious. ‘Crapped the bed on Cava’ might work.

Note: There are far fewer male equivalents, so you’re stuck with things like ‘Instant arsehole, just add alcohol’. Less funny due to you proving it completely true on various occasions by collapsing immobile on the pavement, being sick on your girlfriend, etc. 

Airport pints

For most Brits a holiday is just a thinly-veiled excuse to get paralytic. Traditionally, that starts at the airport. The transient nature of a departure lounge makes time a more abstract concept, so it’s perfectly normal to have a few sociable pints of Stella at 7am. If you can couple it with a fry-up, even better. Because it’s a scientific fact that any booze you drink while eating a Wetherspoons breakfast doesn’t actually count.

Drinking games

Popular with students, stag dos and other groups of complete wankers, drinking games are great if you like going from sober to blackout drunk with none of the fun bits in between. All you have to do is mess up the rules of Fuzzy Duck a few times and bingo – you’re not just pissed, you’re willingly taking an ashtray full of lager, rum and sambuca and downing it in one.

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Sorry, we're full, UK tells Corden

JAMES Corden has been told he cannot return to the UK because the country is full, it has emerged.

The Late Late Show host has been informed he will be unable to move back because there is physically not enough space and he could be a burden on public services.

Joseph Turner from Folkestone said: “My heart goes out to anyone trying to come over here and start a new life. However when it comes to Corden we need to get tough on immigration.

“We’re packed in like sardines already. Well, I’m so not, there’s loads of space round here. I’m just thinking of the impact of an influx of Cordens on other places. And how can we be sure he’ll integrate into the British way of life? 

“If we let Corden in then we might have to boot out a tax-paying family who didn’t inflict Carpool Karaoke on the world. Which I think you’d agree is pretty unfair.”

Dover resident Mary Fisher said: “I know we’ve given Priti Patel flak over the years, but if she can prevent James Corden from setting foot on British soil then I think the public would be willing to wipe the slate clean.

“If he somehow got in then everyone would flock to the beaches in a chaotic exodus. It would be like Dunkirk in reverse.”

In between deafening bursts of irritating laughter, Corden said: “I’m originally from the UK, so I know it’s full. Full of people who love me, right? Right?”