THAT Keir Starmer? And that Angela Rayner? At it like knives. Well they must be, it’s the only explanation that makes any sense. Let me walk you through it:
They’re always together
Doesn’t matter if it’s on stage at the Labour party conference or on the front benches of the Commons, they’re always together. It’s like they’re joined at the hip. Which they are except not quite the hip – lower down. By which I mean their genitalia.
She was at his lockdown party
Starmer’s Durham lockdown beer bacchanalia is the stuff of legend. It makes Freddie Mercury’s six-day sex orgies look tame. No holds were barred and everybody got nasty. Rumour is they did it on a table while everyone cheered. There’s no evidence for this because they destroyed it. Obviously.
You never see his wife
Carrie Johnson? Out front mate. At the parties, picking the wallpaper, pumping out kids. Starmer’s wife? You never see her. Or Rayner’s bloke if she’s even got one. Probably they’re both locked in attics going insane while those two get it on. We should order a judge-led inquiry.
It’s only natural
As Boris Johnson well knows, a man can’t spend time with a woman without shagging happening. That’s natural from when we were cavemen and I should know, I’ve done the paleo diet. So if he’s not doing her that’s actually more suspicious and bars him from becoming prime minister.
The council elections are next week
The f**king council elections are next week and we’re going to get battered because of Partygate, even though voters are under strict instructions to only consider local issues and not think about Downing Street. At risk of sounding cynical, it’s incredibly lucky for us Rayner and Starmer are at it like bunnies right now. Which they are. Definitely.