WE all want a better world. But we must strive for it without upsetting older, wealthier, whiter people, or indeed anyone at all. Here is the sensible liberal’s guide to protest.
Protesting against fossil fuels
Don’t detract from your cause by inconveniencing workers – nurses, plumbers, management consultants, estate agents, anyone with a car, really. Do the responsible thing and start an online petition or write to your MP. Or simply listen to a Sting record. You’ll be amazed at the results, eg. an irrelevant standard letter asking you to vote Tory.
Decriminalising drugs
It’s the only sane and non-hypocritical policy. But with local elections coming up don’t rock the boat by actually advocating it. This could upset pensioners with no interest in drugs. Instead do your bit by helping the Labour Party, the only alternative, by visiting their website and buying a Tougher Jail Sentences For Cannabis Users mug.
Fair and decent treatment for migrants
Immigration has always been a boost to our culture and prosperity. But racists make a big contribution too, buying tabloid newspapers, starting ‘lively’ debates in pubs, joining the police. So we believe in mass deportations, but not calling people nasty things like ‘terrorist’. You can’t say fairer than that.
Strike action
By all means support the rights of workers to withdraw their labour. But they shouldn’t do it when people are going to work. You’ll get no sympathy for your cause that way! Instead, strike between 3 and 5am on a Sunday. You’ll make your point and keep the public onside because they won’t have noticed a thing.
Tackling climate change
We must stop climate change. But what about people who like climate change because it annoys the libs and gives them a right-wing cause to cheer along to? Don’t they have a right to be suicidal bastards who’ll kill us all out of childish spite? We say: let’s make climate change irreversible by 2035 instead of 2030. That’s five whole extra years. What more do you hippy bastards want?
