The sensible liberal's guide to protesting without causing the slightest inconvenience

WE all want a better world. But we must strive for it without upsetting older, wealthier, whiter people, or indeed anyone at all. Here is the sensible liberal’s guide to protest.

Protesting against fossil fuels

Don’t detract from your cause by inconveniencing workers – nurses, plumbers, management consultants, estate agents, anyone with a car, really. Do the responsible thing and start an online petition or write to your MP. Or simply listen to a Sting record. You’ll be amazed at the results, eg. an irrelevant standard letter asking you to vote Tory.

Decriminalising drugs

It’s the only sane and non-hypocritical policy. But with local elections coming up don’t rock the boat by actually advocating it. This could upset pensioners with no interest in drugs. Instead do your bit by helping the Labour Party, the only alternative, by visiting their website and buying a Tougher Jail Sentences For Cannabis Users mug.

Fair and decent treatment for migrants

Immigration has always been a boost to our culture and prosperity. But racists make a big contribution too, buying tabloid newspapers, starting ‘lively’ debates in pubs, joining the police. So we believe in mass deportations, but not calling people nasty things like ‘terrorist’. You can’t say fairer than that. 

Strike action

By all means support the rights of workers to withdraw their labour. But they shouldn’t do it when people are going to work. You’ll get no sympathy for your cause that way! Instead, strike between 3 and 5am on a Sunday. You’ll make your point and keep the public onside because they won’t have noticed a thing.

Tackling climate change

We must stop climate change. But what about people who like climate change because it annoys the libs and gives them a right-wing cause to cheer along to? Don’t they have a right to be suicidal bastards who’ll kill us all out of childish spite? We say: let’s make climate change irreversible by 2035 instead of 2030. That’s five whole extra years. What more do you hippy bastards want?

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Five derogatory American phrases and their more effective British equivalents

THE British public have become familiar with American put-downs, but do they do the job as well their British alternatives? Let’s find out.

‘Don’t be an ass’ vs ‘Don’t be an arse’

Are Americans referring to the bottom, ie. the part of the body which emits shit, or a type of donkey? It’s unclear, and asses – the four-legged kind – are useful and carried Jesus many a time. The British ‘arse’ is unambiguous and better for it. Try to ignore the fact that you’re effectively saying ‘Don’t be a bottom’, because that would make you an arse.

‘You’re a real jerk’ vs ‘You’re an utter wanker’

Lexicographical research shows ‘jerk’ is unconnected to masturbation, ie. ‘to jerk off’. So what’s the point? It’s clearly not referring to the meat product, as that would be like saying ‘You’re a real chorizo’. Again the British version wins, because the victim is a grubby self-abuser who can’t get a girlfriend and wanks all day. They also suffer from creeping blindness and hairy palms.

‘Bite me’ vs ‘I couldn’t give a f**k’

What sort of insult is this? You sound like 1970s sitcom wanker The Fonz. Also the biting element is weird, suggesting Hannibal Lecter gruesomely gnawing that cop’s face off, which is surely not the conversational territory you were aiming for. Or it suggests a playful nibble, and an insult should never give the receiver an opportunity to counter with a witty Wildean riposte like ‘Why, are you gay?’ The British ‘I couldn’t give a f**k’ has none of these problems.

‘What a total dipshit/dillhole/dickwad’ vs ‘What a massive twat’

Calling someone a portmanteau of non-offensive words will only raise curiosity as to what a dillhole is. It might stun them into silence as they wonder if American have a special cavity in their kitchens for the storage of dill. But generally avoid wishy-washy slurs from across the pond and instead use the tried and tested ‘massive twat’ to guarantee offence.

‘Go figure, you do the math’ vs ‘Just f**k right off’

Dismissing someone with the phrases ‘go figure’, or ‘you do the math’ makes you sound like a character from The Big Bang Theory, or worse still, Blossom. To promptly get rid of someone deliver the classic British ‘Just f**k right off’ and avoid the suggestion that you’re still, weirdly, doing homework.