'It's fine, honestly' and other insulting ways to describe penis length

NEED to describe the length of a man’s package for some reason? Avoid these phrases unless you want to hurt his feelings.

‘It’s fine, honestly’

As if the passive aggressive f-word wasn’t enough, chucking in the word ‘honestly’ is sure to emasculate any bloke. If you were really being honest you’d say it’s slightly smaller than average but their personality makes up for it. Which are words no man ever wants to hear and you may as well just lop it off with some garden shears.

‘Size doesn’t matter’

Nobody has ever believed this. Even if they were presented with a massive peer-reviewed scientific research paper which proved it to be true, not a single man on the planet would trust the findings. If you say ‘size doesn’t matter’ to a man their brain will translate the words to ‘Wow, that’s a completely pointless microscopic cock’. Now that’s a scientific fact.

‘It’s perfect’

Perfect for what though? Impersonating a cocktail sausage? Be more specific unless you want a man to develop a complex. You’d think ‘It’s perfect for satisfying my sexual needs’ would do the trick. Only it won’t. Blokes need to imagine they have some sort of giant prehistoric snake down there.

‘It’s a grower not a shower’

What you’re really saying here is that a man’s tackle is actually quite tiny in its flaccid state. Even if their member swells up to an impressive length when excited, most men will not find this adequate compensation. Ideally they would like to be swinging something resembling a sausage dog draught excluder between their legs at all times.

‘Wow, it’s even bigger than my ex’s, which was really large’

This has all the hallmarks of an excellent phallic compliment. You sound impressed, and you even compared it favourably to the penis of an ex-partner. But then you had to go and ruin it by using the words ‘really large’. You should have said ‘enormous’, ‘gargantuan’ or ‘the biggest in the world’, or ideally all three. But now you know for next time.

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Country basically run for benefit of angry drivers

BRITAIN is governed with the sole aim of appeasing red-faced drivers with high blood pressure, it has been confirmed.

Both the Conservative and Labour party have a tacit agreement that any legislation they propose to tackle congestion or climate change must be toothless enough not to annoy Britain’s car owners in any way.

Tory MP Norman Steele said: “We want a greener future, cleaner air and safer roads for the sake of our children. We even want more pedestrianised areas for scum who can’t afford an Audi.

“Obviously we can’t have any of those things because it would antagonise Britain’s most important demographic, angry drivers who swear a lot, especially at cyclists. And who can blame them? I hate those sneaky little worms with their helmet cameras.

“Motorists have already been provoked beyond endurance with seat belts, drink driving laws, speed bumps and speed restrictions of any kind. In a frankly fascist abuse of drivers’ rights, the law does not even permit mounting the pavement at 50mph when stuck behind slow drivers, ie. women.”

Labour MP Tom Logan said: “Labour is passionately committed to a cleaner, greener world. It’s a controversial view, but we believe children shouldn’t get crippling respiratory diseases, unless reducing traffic mildly inconveniences drivers doing their shopping.

“And if any of these children have any funny ideas about protesting against climate change by obstructing traffic we’ll be straight over to The Sun to explain why they should all get 15 years in prison.”