Britons face terrible pressure to be good at things

ANDY Murray’s tennis victory has put ordinary Britons under immense pressure to be less shit, experts have warned.

Workers who previously had no difficulty getting away with utter mediocrity have already reported increased levels of expectation.

Swindon-based Tom Logan said: “Immediately there was a text from my boss saying ‘Let’s ace tomorrow’s sales figures, the sky’s the limit!’ Jesus.

“I don’t want to excel, like most people in this country I want to do the bare minimum and dick about a bit on the internet.

“The England football team had been excellent role models – basically turning up and wanking it out with deeply average results.

“That’s the level of achievement I’m comfortable with. This whole ‘winning’ thing seems new and weird.”

Office administrator Mary Fisher said: “I have a bad feeling about all this, like I’m now going to be expected to do stuff. Apparently my team leader at work is already ‘inspired’ and my husband wants to try some athletic new sex things.

“Murray could have come second, everyone would have said nice things and felt a moderate amount of pride. But no, he had to go for the glory.

“Everyone’s talking about him like he’s some sort of hero, but I think he’s a very selfish man.”

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Kate Moss designs range of nuclear missiles

SUPERMODEL Kate Moss has collaborated with scientists on a range of nuclear missiles for style-conscious governments.

Inspired by her best-selling Annihilation lipstick, Moss has created several prototype bombs including Fuchsia Fission, Electron Blue and Midnight Devastator.

Moss commented “It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from – I believe we all have a right to destroy and to be destroyed stylishly.

“This project has really allowed me to develop my understanding of neutron radiation, a field which has traditionally been dominated by old foreign men with high foreheads and shit hair.

“As a woman that makes me very proud.”

A spokesperson for BAE Systems said: “Kate is a natural nuclear talent, and has given the project real ethical credentials by insisting none of the bombs are tested on animals.

“This is not just an endorsement thing. She has shown a personal connection to missiles by developing a targeted warhead that will eradicate all evidence of her relationship with Pete Doherty.”