Britons prepare for war with brief chat at work

BRITONS are preparing for air strikes in Syria with a short, non-committal discussion at work.

The public is bracing itself for more conflict in the Middle East by discussing it briefly without saying anything too controversial then getting on with some emails.

Administrator Tom Logan said: “This morning the office was buzzing. That’s because they’ve just installed a new vending machine, but Syria was mentioned briefly after Yvonne had bought a Twix.

“Gavin said ‘Looks like bombing then’, and I said ‘Yeah’ and Shelley went ‘Mmm’ and made a tutting noise. I think she was expressing her sadness at mankind’s inability to live in peace, or maybe her computer had crashed again.

Middle manager Nikki Hollis said: “My office had quite an involved discussion for at least a minute. Our conclusion was that bombing is bad but ISIS are horrible.

“We’d probably have discussed it at more length if we thought the government was in the least bit interested in what we think. Also the sandwich man had just arrived.”

Other war preparations included studying a diagram of a Tornado bomber in Metro during lunch, finding out where Syria is on Google Maps, and hoping someone has thought all this through.

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‘Fat shaming’ leads to ‘arse kicking’

A MAN who gave an insulting weight-based card to a tough coach driver is currently pinned against a wall.

Snide 46-year-old Wayne Hayes handed a note saying ‘You’re fat and disgusting’  to passerby Nikki Hollis.

Hollis, who drives coaches full of annoying kids across Europe and doesn’t take any shit, pinned Hayes against a wall as he unconvincingly explained that it was all about highlighting the health risks of obesity rather than his own malicious, weirdly self-righteous amusement.

At that point Hollis’s boyfriend Norman Steele, who works the door at local fighting-type nightclubs and has a thick muscular neck, emerged from a shop and asked Hollis what was going on.

She handed him the note and his face darkened.

Onlooker Susan Traherne said: “The small man is trying to wheedle his way out of it. It’s not looking good though. I think they’re going to make him eat the card and then see how it goes from there.

“I hope hospital food isn’t too fattening because he may be getting some of that soon.”