Labour MPs allowed to vote with consciences they abandoned long ago

LABOUR MPs instructed to vote with their consciences are struggling to remember where they left them. 

The MPs, allowed to vote morally on Syria by dictatorial hardliner Jeremy Corbyn, recall that they previously had consciences but not what they were used for. 

Susan Traherne, MP for Stockton North, said: “Under Tony, you had the consciencectomy on your first day in Parliament to stop any silly moral qualms getting in the way of your job. 

“They said we could have them back later but to be honest I found life easier without it, especially when I ran over that cat. 

“Can I just get a new one and put it on expenses?”

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Too early for Christmas trees, say people who police the behaviour of others in their own homes

IT IS too early to put up your Christmas tree, according to those who believe they can dictate what you do in the privacy of your own fucking house.

The self-appointed festive police, who also decide when Christmas products are allowed to be sold, have announced that decoration of any kind must await their approval. 

Carolyn Ryan, from Swindon, said: “Becky at work honestly thought she could put up her tree, fairy lights and everything, this weekend because and I quote ‘It’s almost December.’

“She’s been sent straight back home to put it back in the attic until the 20th, when Christmas will begin at my decree. 

“This isn’t me being a miserable old witch. It’s the law.”

Premature tree erecter Bill McKay said: “I realise now that I was being ridiculous, decorating my home with gaily-coloured lights and sparkly things when there’s still so much dark, wet December to savour. 

“And then of course January and February.”