Britons wake from nightmares about going back to work to find it is a reality

WORKERS have woken from vivid, awful nightmares about offices to find it is all real.

Millions of wage slaves spend last night feverishly dreaming about their offices and all the annoying people in them, only to wake up and find that it was actually happening.

Data inputter Stephen Malley said: “Last night I dreamed that I walked into my office, sat down in front of my computer and groaned ‘hello, old foe’.

“There were some Christmas cards on my monitor, one of them had fallen off and was lying on my keyboard in a forlorn way. Then an annoyingly cheerful woman walked past humming the music to the 90s TV advert for Cadbury’s Boost bars.

“Five hours later and it is all coming true. Am I still asleep? Maybe I should punch someone to see if they turn into a butterfly.”

Sales analyst Nikki Hollis said: “I’m sure I deleted all these emails last night in my dream, then all my teeth fell out and I woke up.

“Hopefully my teeth will all fall out this afternoon because then I might get to go home early.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Genuinely puzzled Keith Richards survives 2016

ROLLING Stones legend Keith Richards has expressed his genuine surprise at surviving 2016.

As much-loved celebrities died at an alarming rate, Richards revealed his initial paranoia quickly turned into acceptance and resignation.

He said: “By the end of March I just assumed my demise was imminent.

“The thing is, I feel great, so I reckoned it would have to be something spectacular, like being flattened by a falling piano, or being mauled by a cheetah.

“I spend a lot of time with cheetahs. You don’t need to know why.”