May's New Year's resolution is to have one successful policy

THE prime minister has resolved that the next 12 months will see her propose a successful policy.

She said: “It’s just a silly thing I promised myself I’d do when I got into power, but the problem is I’m not exactly sure what the policy should be.

“I did have hopes for grammar schools, which everyone hated, and the fifth runway wasn’t popular, and there’s universal credit, but that’s very much a total and utter balls-up.

“It can’t be that hard. All I’ve got to do is think of something everyone likes. I’m sure I’ll be good at that.”

May added: “Obviously Brexit doesn’t count. That will happen, but it’s a certain disaster and I’m resigning straight afterwards.”

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Experts identify the two good things that have happened this year

ONLY two things this year could properly be classed as ‘good’, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies looked for some nuggets of positivity in 2016 after such a freakish shit show of a year.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Brexit, the US election, dead celebrities, the rise of the far right: you know the fucking drill. Trying to find something good in all that is like trying to find something good on Netflix.

“There was that brief moment of hope when Nigel Farage quit UKIP, but then he kept popping up again every five minutes like an unflushable turd.

“So what we’ve narrowed it down to is: pandas are no longer endangered and an old lady in Huddersfield found a pound coin at the back of a drawer.

“Of course ‘good things’ happened to Andy Murry, Mo Farah etc, but the old lady in Huddersfield needed the money and is not a professional show off.”

He added: “It could be that bad things happen every year but we never used to go collectively berserk about it on social media.

“But maybe that’s just me being stupidly optimistic.”