'You are the most expendable part of this', says voice in Richard Hammond's head

THE voice inside Richard Hammond’s head has reminded him he is easily the most expendable part of Jeremy Clarkson’s TV entourage.

After Hammond declared all ice cream to be homosexual, the voice warned him that ‘he can be replaced by Adrian Chiles at any time’.

The voice added: “Clarkson is the star. Sure, we don’t really know why, but there it is.

“James May has a slightly awkward, fogey-ish quality that makes him sufficiently different from Clarkson.

“But you’re just a little fart. So do us both a favour and stop calling things ‘gay’. I don’t want to be the voice inside the head of a bitter has-been who’s selling smoothie makers on a shopping channel.”

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Crowdfund started to have Nigel Farage fired into the sun


OVER £100,000 has already been raised to strap Nigel Farage to a rocket bound for the centre of the sun.

Organisers of ‘Farage Fired Into The Sun’ have been inundated with offers from scientists and engineers to build the one-way craft for the frog-faced former UKIP leader.

Volunteer Nikki Hollis said: “Fundraising is simply a matter of showing people a photo of Nigel Farage and telling them that the sun’s surface is 5,500 degrees Celsius.

“I pull a shopping trolley around with me because as soon as I outline the effects of hot plasma on a Crombie coat people just hand over their change jars and the contents of their pockets.”

Hollis added: “I’ve dug wells in Malawi and built schools in Cambodia but nothing will give me a sense of achievement like watching Farage leave the Earth’s atmosphere.”

Donor Roy Hobbs said: “I nod hello to my Somalian neighbours and tip the driver when I get a curry delivered, but as a white person who isn’t a mad racist this is the best thing I can do to show I’m not a prick.”