Streaming explained to relatives for ninth time

A MAN has tried to explain the concept of streaming music and TV over the internet to his relatives nine times so far this Christmas.

Nathan Muir has already told his mother’s cousin exactly what Spotify and Netflix are and is now patiently advising his aunt she does not need a satellite dish.

He said: “No, it comes through the internet. Your broadband. In your computer. You don’t watch it on your computer.

“You watch it on the telly, through your phone. Not on your phone. You can if you want – no, I know, the screen’s too small, you said.

“Yeah, there’s just all music there. Just ignore the music you don’t like. You don’t need to put your CDs on it, they’re already on there. Well not your actual CDs.

“Can you pass the gin? Actually I’ll get myself one. In the kitchen.”

Nathan’s uncle, Alan Muir, said: “He says these Netflix shows aren’t on the telly. How do you watch them on the telly then?”

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Not opening presents until after Queen's Speech is bullshit, say experts

EXPERTS have confirmed that waiting until after the Queen’s Speech to open presents is total bullshit.

The Institute for Studies found that millions of households still observe the present opening tradition despite it being ‘obviously weird and wrong’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It implies that Christmas is for the Royal Family and we just get to share in it. Fuck. That.”

Wayne Hayes, a first-thing-in-the-morning present opener, is spending this Christmas with his girlfriend’s family and their ‘bizarre loyalty to this Queen’s Speech nonsense’.

Hayes said: “According to her dad everyone’s allowed to open one gift first thing, so I’ll be aiming for the one that most looks like a bottle of whisky in the hope getting through the ordeal.”

The family have yet to break the news to Hayes that everyone is expected to open one gift at a time, in front of everyone else, and make a little comment about it.

He added: “She said they listen to the Queen’s Speech on the radio as they don’t own a TV.  I’m assuming this is some sort of sick joke.”