Britons would be out enjoying the sun if they weren't basically slaves

MILLIONS of Britons are thinking about what they would be doing in the sun if they weren’t busting their asses in a soulless office environment.

Watching the glorious sunshine through a permanently-sealed double glazed window, they are wishing they were not trapped in an economic hamster wheel.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Once men were free, like animals. Life was short and brutal perhaps but there was a savage dignity in it and you didn’t have to read passive aggressive emails from people complaining about mouse mats.”

Sale administrator Nikki Hollis said: “If only I’d gone to a snazzy public school, or perhaps worked harder at my state school, I’d be a member of an elite lolling about on yachts and the sun would be my friend, not a bittersweet reminder of this air-conditioned corporate prison.”

However, unemployed Stephen Malley said: “The Guardian might have you believe being on the dole is relentless misery, but it’s not.

“When it’s sunny you can take your small state stipend, buy a can of beer and sit in the park with your mates, luxuriating in nature’s bounty.

“If you don’t have kids being on the dole can be pretty great, at least for a while. I know you’re not supposed to say that, but it’s true.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You never use a semicolon in punctuation, partly because you don’t know how they’re used but also because it reminds you of the two things involved in your first sexual experience.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Now the sun is finally shining this summer and the temperature is in the 30s, make the most of it by not showering at all and frequenting as many crowded public places as possible. Somebody, apparently, has to do it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Bad news this week as your months of pissing up against the side of the barracks and burying your shit in the parade ground has failed to get you into the Territorial Army.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tsk. If somebody told you to jump off a cliff, would you? Wait, really? I may get back to you on that one.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Pinch, punch, razor to the Achilles tendon, Chinese burn and hoof in the love balloons, 25th of the month. No backsies.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your application to theYoung Conservatives is accepted after you remark that, if the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer, it clearly proves the poor had more money than they were letting on in the first place.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Living in shared accommodation requires a bit of give and take, so you tell your housemate that if he doesn’t give that Bon Iver CD a fucking rest you’re going to take a hacksaw to his elbows.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
While the cinema remake of The Sweeney is all very well, what you’re really waiting for is the feature films versions of Crown CourtFingerbobs and Pebble Mill At One.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? Oh forget it, I’ll find my way to the public library myself.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your Superstar audition should have gone better than it did – how many contestants turned up with a hooker and a bag full of eels?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You tell yourself it’s no bad thing that1200 extra troops have been posted to the Olympic site, as you don the fishnets and get the train to Stratford with a handbag full of wet wipes.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re thrown out of your local beauty clinic this week for asking if they’ve got any of that awesome-sounding laser hair they’re always removing.