BRITAIN was a blood-soaked hellhole yesterday as the nation fought to the death over Creme Eggs.
The annual event, which typically kills more than 40,000 people, saw new levels of innovation in makeshift weapons.
Emma Bradford of Bolton, wielding a flaming Dustbuster, said: “The big eggs are a once-a-year spring thing, like human sacrifice. I get that.
“But I’ve been on a Creme Egg a day since January 1st and Easter’s late this year. I’m not ready to go cold cold bunny, I need 254 Creme Eggs to get through the rest of the year.
“Maybe 260, because some days I get sad.”
Social scientist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Creme Eggs have a huge symbolic importance to the UK. They are our only consolation through January, the promise of winter’s end and spring’s new life.
“Contemplating eight months without them causes the fragile British psyche to crack like a chocolate shell and the madness inside to flow out like sweet, sweet white-and-yellow fondant.
“But by Tuesday morning everyone will be back at work and pretending they didn’t tear a man’s throat out with their teeth to get one, just like last year.”