Britain ravaged by annual Creme Egg riots

BRITAIN was a blood-soaked hellhole yesterday as the nation fought to the death over Creme Eggs.

The annual event, which typically kills more than 40,000 people, saw new levels of innovation in makeshift weapons.

Emma Bradford of Bolton, wielding a flaming Dustbuster, said: “The big eggs are a once-a-year spring thing, like human sacrifice. I get that.

“But I’ve been on a Creme Egg a day since January 1st and Easter’s late this year. I’m not ready to go cold cold bunny, I need 254 Creme Eggs to get through the rest of the year.

“Maybe 260, because some days I get sad.”

Social scientist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Creme Eggs have a huge symbolic importance to the UK. They are our only consolation through January, the promise of winter’s end and spring’s new life.

“Contemplating eight months without them causes the fragile British psyche to crack like a chocolate shell and the madness inside to flow out like sweet, sweet white-and-yellow fondant.

“But by Tuesday morning everyone will be back at work and pretending they didn’t tear a man’s throat out with their teeth to get one, just like last year.”

 

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Man United sack Moyes back to the Stone Age

DAVID Moyes is being fired so hard he will have to take on two full-time jobs just to be unemployed.

Experts said the Manchester United manager’s 11 months at the club have culminated in him being less popular than Jamie Carragher singing Ferry Cross the Mersey while wiping ghastly parts of himself with a photo of Sir Matt Busby.

Vice Chairman Ed Woodward said every trace of Moyes will be expunged, adding: “We will even remove all the letters of his name from the club, so we’ll now be called Nchtr Unit.

“History will record that during the 2013-2014 season we went backpacking around South America and when we came back Liverpool had somehow won the league and we’d strangely inherited a Fellaini.”

In a ceremony at Old Trafford later today, 75,000 supporters will watch as the Glazer family take a run up before handing Moyes his P45 wrapped around a massive spider.

He will then be placed in a helicopter and flown over a nearby patch of waste ground where hundreds of prize-winning United fans will spell out ‘Off You Fuck‘ in 50ft letters.

The helicopter will then carry on until it lands shortly before running out of fuel, leaving Moyes in the middle of a wheat field in Somerset, surrounded by a gang of frightened, angry locals.

Meanwhile, he will be symbolically fired by both Houses of Parliament, the Queen, the CBI, Ofcom, the Royal College of Nursing and the General Synod of the Church of England.

For the rest of the season the team will be managed by Ryan Giggs pointing his smartphone at training sessions so that Sir Alex Ferguson can make informed decisions.