Bus drivers secretly hate their job

BUS drivers have admitted that, despite their happy-go-lucky demeanour, they do not actually enjoy their work.

The drivers, renowned for the sunshine they bring into their passengers’ lives, have confessed that their welcoming smiles mask inner gloom.

Bill McKay of Northampton said: “I drive a big shiny bus for a living, so on the face of it I should be the happiest man in the world.

“But lately it’s begun to feel like I’m just driving around the same estate day after day, following the same exact route, being called a fat bastard by schoolchildren.

“Obviously I don’t let it show, that would be unprofessional.”

Psychologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Whether you’ve not got the exact change, don’t signal clearly enough or ding the bell when it’s already been dinged, you’ll never find a harsh word from a bus driver.

“But, hard as it is for most of us to imagine, the endless parade of rain-soaked pensioners making small talk about cat food can begin to pall.”

McKay said: “I’ve begun to fantasise about driving the bus off a cliff. Even so, I must maintain the strict code of cheerfulness that comes with the blue short-sleeved shirt.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dear Holly: I'm not sleeping because of money worries

Dear Holly,

I’m not getting much sleep these days because of money worries. My husband doesn’t seem to care at all, and we are always bickering about him wasting money by leaving lights on, buying Tesco Finest instead of Value, and using up great swathes of loo roll. How can I get him to start realising money doesn’t grow on trees?

HRH Queen Elizabeth II


Dear Queen,

Having recently had my pocket money docked due to being caught watching inappropriate Miley Cyrus videos on YouTube I have direct experience of the misery of austerity. I’ve had to go without sweets for three days now and I’ve got the shakes. But like Miley herself says: 

“To my home girls here with the big butt

Shaking it like we at a strip club

Remember only God can judge ya

Forget the haters ’cause somebody loves ya”

Now I’ve got Miley to guide me emotionally and morally through the difficult years ahead, I’ve stopped worrying about money and sweets and started considering having a glitter tattoo of a skull on my neck. 

Hope that helps,