Cannabis users forget to participate in drugs survey

BRITAIN’S cannabis smokers ‘dorked out’ responding to a survey on drugs legalisation.

After a study found that only one person in seven wants drugs decriminalised, potheads said they had meant to participate but somehow never got around to it.

Stoner Tom Logan said: “Yeah, I think they sent me a form about that. I really wanted to fill that in but somehow just didn’t get it together.

“I’m pretty annoyed with myself for missing the deadline but never mind, shit happens. I’ll definitely do it next time.”

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Royal Mail launches letter-burying service

THE Royal Mail is offering to bury the heap of marketing bullshit it would otherwise put through your letterbox.

The new service was inspired by a postman who was found to have buried 30,000 letters in his back garden.

A Royal Mail spokesman said: “For a small weekly fee, we’ll simply filter out the packages and chuck everything else into a massive hole.

“Let’s be honest – apart from Amazon and eBay stuff, everything we deliver to you is about loans or broadband.

“We’ve been keeping quiet about this, but the last proper letter was a piece of fan mail sent to Charles Dickens containing a garter belt.

“The things you’ve bought off the internet will be delivered as per normal.  By which I mean we’ll put a ‘sorry you were out’ card through your letterbox without even knocking so that you have to drive to a sorting office in Hertfordshire.”

36-year-old householder Nathan Muir said: “The only post I get is kebab shop menus.

“Someone needs to tell kebab shop owners that it is no longer necessary to list their products as they are already etched into England’s collective psyche.”