Milky Bars are actually Horsey Bars, says Nestle

THE Milky Bar Kid should, in all honesty, be played by a horse, Nestle has admitted.

The confectionary conglomerate said most of the milk that goes into its popular white chocolate bar is medium-quality horse milk.

A spokesman said: “We just use the one horse. It’s quite a big one. I’m not sure we ever actually claimed it came out of a cow.

“Anyway, the new adverts will feature a cartoon horse dressed as a cowboy, assuring some happy children that they are not inadvertently consuming equine antibiotics.”

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Cameron annoys all humans

DAVID Cameron is close to winning a £1 bet with Boris Johnson that he can annoy every single human.

After posing with One Direction to promote their gang-banging of Blondie’s One Way Or Another he flew to Delhi to alienate another billion people by attempting to resurrect the East India Company.

A Downing Street source said: “He crossed off half the planet by telling an adult woman elected to parliament to ‘calm down dear’ – you can’t learn that stuff.

“And after pissing off all of India, he called the Chinese a bunch of criminals. Another billion down. Spiffing.

“Nick Clegg is in on it and while he disapproves he’s going along with it. Denholm Elliott, yes.”

With a small pocket of Tory MPs still loyal, he intends to a hold a party meeting dressed as Malcolm X and announce that Baroness Thatcher’s face will be etched onto every public urinal in the country.

After winning, Cameron is expected to reveal that the Bullingdon Club photo of him looking like he is about to shoot an orphan’s kitten was created using Photoshop in 2004.

The source added: “People think he’s driven by ideology, when it’s all down to a tiny wager with a bleached wookie in the back of a Jag.”