Everything to be labelled with terrifying images of death

ALL products will soon feature graphic imagery illustrating how they might kill you.

Vivid stickers showing stick figures dying horribly will be plastered over goods ranging from apples to socks.

A government spokesman said: “In the past, consumers have simply looked at things and decided whether to buy them based on what they are.

“But what about the hidden dangers? We all know it’s possible to choke on an apple, but also pieces of sliced apple can have razor-sharp edges.

“If you fell over carrying a slice of apple it could puncture your spleen, causing you to die a slow, agonising death while your wife and children watch in horror, as illustrated by this handy sticker.

“Similarly, getting shampoo in your eyes could easily leave you temporarily blinded, causing you to stumble out of the shower, down the stairs, out of the door and into the path of traffic.

“From now on all shampoo will have a label showing a corpse that’s been run over by a bus and exploded like a hedgehog. It’s the only way to get the message across.

“Your government will protect you.”

Receptionist Nikki Hollis said: “Last night I couldn’t enjoy EastEnders because of a sticker on my new sofa showing someone getting anally impaled by a spring.

“However I’m actually finding some of the warnings quite useful because I’m one of those fuckwits who manages to misuse any sort of product.

“For example it’s handy to know you shouldn’t put paint in your tea if you’ve run out of milk.”



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'Any time, any place' Duchess tells novelist

IF Booker prize winner Hilary Mantel wants a piece of the Duchess of Cambridge, she can have it, St James’s Palace has confirmed.

Following the Wolf Hall author’s stinging attack on the Duchess, Her Royal Highness issued a statement inviting Mantel to a pub car park in Aylesford at nine o’clock tonight.

And if that does not suit, then Mantel simply has to phone St James’s Palace with her preferred time and place.

The Duchess added: “She’s a fucking manky old bag. Aylesford, tonight, and I’m bringing my Uncle Gary.

“Mantel must think I’m some kind of fucking la-di-dah airhead. I wasn’t poncing round Marlborough School pretending to be in some fucking Jane Austen novel. I was kicking teeth in.

“Also, at St Andrews, there was this blonde bird – Swedish I think she was – who tried to muscle in on his nibs. I was like ‘fuck that’.

“I toed her arse all the way back to Gothenburg.

“And by the way, I am four months up the duff and I am a fucking nutter.”

Last night Mantel said: “There has obviously been some misunderstanding. I was talking about your sister. No I wasn’t, I was talking about some other bitch. Probably Denise van Outen, I forget.

“Anyway, there’s no need for things to get out of hand. I really like your hair.”