Putin challenges solar system to a fight

VLADIMIR Putin has warned that the next rock to enter Russian airspace will get its teeth knocked down its throat.

The Russian president and champion dinosaur wrestler has spent the weekend screaming obscenities at the sky and asking the moon ‘who the fuck it thinks it’s looking at’.

Fragments of last week’s meteor shower are being taken to the Kremlin so Putin can do press ups in front of them and call their mum a slag.

The president has also ordered a roof to be built over the entire country and will oversee the work astride his horse Excelsior while holding his pet falcon, Dominion.

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Transparent phone immediately lost

THE world’s first transparent smartphone is already missing, it has emerged.

Sources at Polytron, the Taiwanese manufacturers of the all-glass mobile, say they can hear it vibrating somewhere in the office.

A Polytron spokesman said: “Probably we shouldn’t have left it on mute.

“To be honest we’re starting to regret having invented the fucking thing.”