Carter-Ruck To Sue Everyone

LAW firm Carter-Ruck is to send you a letter telling you to shut it right now or they will have your house.

The libel lawyers acted after thousands of bloggers and Twitter users ignored a legal bid to suppress information about their client Trafigura and its decision to hose down some Africans with a big boat full of shit.

The injunction, brought against the Guardian, was withdrawn last night after Trafigura and Carter-Ruck decided it would be more fun to try and intimidate everyone with a computer.

The injunctions will be posted later this week, although the firm have also threatened to sue every postman in Britain if strike action affects their delivery.

DHL will be used to deliver injunctions to the postmen, but if anyone from DHL looks at the addresses then it will be sued and its injunctions will be delivered by UPS who will also be sued and have its injunctions delivered by Federal Express.

Senior partner Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "I have taken advice from myself and will see absolutely everybody in court later this month. As a precaution, I have also taken out an injunction preventing you from telling anyone that I told you that I would see everybody in court and an injunction preventing you from telling anyone that I told you about the previous injunction. And so on."

He added: "As for Trafigura, our clients have stated consistently that they only ever intended to poison the west African coastline with 400 billion gallons of shit in a perfectly legal way."

Nikki Hollis, a Twitter from Grantham, said: "OMG Im going 2 b taken to the fkn cleaners! Nu shoes or legal advice – wat 2 do?!?"

Meanwhile Twitter's ability to reshape the democratic agenda was further underlined today with 'trending topics' including chocolate milk and paranormal activity, as well as a campaign demanding Lily Allen makes another album full of nursery-rhyme cock.

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School Leavers Not Even Clever Enough To Work At Tesco, Says Tesco Boss

BRITAIN'S education system must be in a right old state if school leavers are not even qualified to work at Tesco, the boss of Tesco warned last night.

Sir Terry Leahy revealed how he was sick and tired of walking into one of his stores and seeing bananas displayed on the fish counter and groups of workers huddled around an oven-ready chicken, trying to work out what it is.

He said: "After about five minutes one of them will poke at it with a broom to see if it's still alive.

"Then another one will crouch down and apologise to it saying, 'sorry little guinea pig, we did not mean to hurt you', while someone else fetches a blanket, a pillow and a saucer of milk."

Sir Terry added: "Thanks to years of under-investment our schools are now turning out the sort of witless cretins who are fit only for B&Q."

But economist Julian Cook said: "While Sir Terry is right to be concerned, Tesco does actually depend on a pathetically bad education system to make sure people keep shopping there.

"You see, it works like this: The privately educated and those with postgraduate degrees shop at Waitrose; BAs, MAs and BScs shop at Sainsbury's; the skilled working class shop at Morrisons and then Tesco and Asda divvy up the troglodytes with half price offers on Albanian vodka and pizza made from chips."

He added: "Aldi and Lidl, meanwhile, are for highly educated people with a sense of irony who need something new to talk about at dinner parties.

"'Oh you must try their prosciutto, it's surprisingly fabulous and costs just 4p a tonne' – that sort of thing."