Cat not sure where rumour about him getting fed elsewhere comes from

A CAT has rejected claims that he gets fed in more than one household.

Cat Roy Hobbs said he is unsure why people frequently make remarks about him getting fed in multiple locations.

Hobbs said: “It’s just an annoying bullshit thing that people say and it gets on my cat tits.

“The truth is that it’s not that easy to get total strangers to feed you on a daily basis, god knows I’ve tried.

“When I go in someone’s garden they generally either ignore me or tell me to fuck off.

“They certainly don’t come running out with a plate of salmon.”

He added: “I’m not even fat. The bit around my middle is just loose skin that allows my body to articulate itself in an agile manner.”


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Man with iconic film posters hasn't seen any of them

A MAN whose flat is full of posters for films like Casablanca and Apocalypse Now has no idea what any of them are actually about, it has emerged.

Office worker Tom Logan feels the posters make him look cultured in a modern way, despite only watching the latest blockbusters containing endless idiotic CGI mayhem.

Logan said: “The woman in Breakfast at Tiffany’s looks shaggable, but it’s clear from the poster she’s not going to get in a giant robot and batter the fuck out of aliens like in Pacific Rim.

“I’m not tempted by Casablanca either because Humphrey Bogart looks like someone’s dad and the clip I saw was just people talking.

“Fuck knows what Rear Window, Dog Day Afternoon and Don’t Look Now are about.

“The original King Kong is more my kind of thing, but special effects weren’t very good in the olden days so I doubt it’s a real classic like Transformers: Age of Extinction.

“I’m going to watch Dawn of the Dead though because Shaun of the Dead was hilarious so I’d like to see the first in the series.”