Census 'confirms only seven white people left in Britain'

THE number of white people in Britain has reached an all-time low of seven, it has been claimed.

According to anti-immigration campaigners the 2011 census shows that three of the white people live in Dorset and two live in Yorkshire.

Julian Cook, from the Anti-Immigration Alliance, said: “Scotland and Wales have one each, while there are now no white people at all in Northern Ireland.”

Cook said the demographic shift has been caused by a gradual change in the skin colour of more than 56 million previously white people as a direct result of immigration.

He added: “These figures prove that if you live in an area with a high percentage of brown-skinned foreigners then after two years you start to go brown too.”

Jane Thompson, a former white person from Guildford, said: “I don’t recognise myself anymore. Or anyone else for that matter. When I see someone I think I know I have to stand very close to them and then imagine what they would look like if they were white.

“When I was young very few people changed colour. But what can you do?”

Bill McKay, one of the seven remaining white people, said: “I feel very different. Why haven’t I gone brown? Perhaps I’m King Arthur.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

New law 'would make newspapers obey law'

NEW legal measures could make it illegal for newspapers to break the law.

Under the Labour proposals, journalists who bribed police or hacked phones would have committed a crime – whereas previously they would merely have been in breach of the law.

Harriet Harman said: “By putting a law on top of a law you make a completely inescapable law sandwich.”

The police have reacted angrily to claims this would not become a thing if they had just done their fucking job.

A Police Federation spokesman said, “It’s as if people expect the police in these situations to act as some sort of ‘policeman’, policing things.

“If breaking the law is now to be considered a felony, then theoretically, you might even have members of the police force arresting each other.

“This would spiral out of control and within a week all the police would be in prison. Which would, ironically, trigger a massive crime wave.”

Tabloid journalist Tom Booker said: “Law enforcement is basically what Orwell warned us about in 1984.

“A normal person breaks an average of twelve laws just getting to work. In fact, not having the right change for the bus is technically a crime under the 1843 Small Coins Act.”