Hugely important decision taken without Gmail users

A MASSIVELY important thing was decided yesterday while Gmail users were offline.

The thing, which will affect everything else forever, was decided in just under an hour during a series of email exchanges involving everybody.

But experts say that because the decision did not involve Gmail users there is a very strong chance the thing that was decided will be in the interests of every single person alive, except Gmail users.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “At every key stage of yesterday’s decision-making process I sent out an urgent email asking Gmail users for their input.

“I received no replies and therefore assumed they were okay with it. I found this very surprising given the nature of the thing that has now been decided.

“I must admit, I kept thinking, ‘if I was a Gmail user I would absolutely not want this to be the decision and I am surprised they are not sending me emails filled with anger and abject terror’.”

He added: “Oh well, what’s done is done. As everybody, except Gmail users, decided yesterday, there is no going back on this decision.

“In fact, we all decided that would be impossible.”

Nikki Hollis, a Gmail user, said: “Why are all my friends emailing me to ask if I’ve decided who’s going to get my iPhone?”


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Savile police unveil Christmas Eve cliffhanger

DETECTIVES investigating the Jimmy Savile scandal have promised a cliffhanger arrest on Christmas Eve.

The celebrity’s identity will be revealed after the Queen’s speech on Christmas Day, with simultaneous announcements by Ant & Dec on ITV and Graham Norton on BBC1.

Channel 4 will broadcast An Alternative Savile Arrest, featuring a Pete Doherty song about the perfect Christmas nonce, while Channel 5 has scheduled a 12 year-old repeat of the arrest of Jonathan King.

Detective Roy Hobbs said: “It harks back to the great Christmas telly traditions, like when Den served divorce papers on Ange.

“It’ll bring the nation together, as a family, to see if it’s somebody they always reckoned was a bit off. You may even get to throw one of your Christmas DVDs in the bin.”

The periodic arrest of elderly household names has been a steady ratings winner for the Met, but they hope the Christmas special will give them their biggest audience since last year’s riots.

And to keep Britain guessing, police will also arrest four innocent celebrities at the same time, releasing them without charge 24 hours later.

Hobbs added: “We’re hoping this could become as popular as the Morecambe & Wise Christmas specials, which may actually have featured some of our latest suspects.”