'Cheery' tube driver actually a pain in the arse

A LONDON underground driver who ‘cheers up’ commuters with his amusing asides is just a pain in the arse, it has been confirmed.

Research has revealed that the happiness generated by Northern line driver Bill McKay’s light hearted quips begins and ends inside his own head.

Commuter  Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve been getting this line for seven years, and every morning McKay greets me with a cheery remark aimed at bringing some sunshine to my day. I hate his guts.

“When I commute by tube, I just want to close my eyes and ignore the horror that surrounds me, not be forced to listen to some self-effacing banter about ticket prices from a bastard.”

Roy Hobbs, who travels from Brent Cross to Goodge Street, added: “When the train stops in a tunnel for no apparent reason, the last thing you need is some fucker making a shit joke about vampires.”

McKay remained oblivious to his passenger’s hate-filled misery, adding: “I might start telling them how much I get paid.”



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Google unveils 99p G-Spot app

A NEW smartphone app claims to be able to unerringly locate the G-spot which brings women to so-called ‘multiple orgasms’.

The 99p app, available for Android and iPhones, uses sonar technology to map the vagina and locate an area of sensitive tissue.

This can then be displayed on screen as a 3D touch-sensitive map, or the app can be set to give verbal directions.

A Google spokesman said: “The £5.99 a month upgrade gets you unlimited uses, cloud memory to save maps of up to 1,024 vaginas and celebrity voices, including Snoop Dogg.”

Technology consultant, Tom Booker, said: “It takes ages to locate the vagina – if it finds the right one. I spent 10 minutes following directions to the G-spot only to discover it was calibrated to the fanny of the woman next door.

“You have to turn GPS on, which really drains your battery, and you can’t use it with the charger plugged in without the high risk of electrical burns. Did they even bother putting this through beta?

“What’s more, Google doesn’t tell you that the app collects data about all the vaginas it scans, so only use it if you’re comfortable with the dimensions of your wife’s fandango being used for targeted advertising.”

Sales assistant Joanna Kramer said: “It requires a bit of fiddling about but once you get used to it, it works quite well. I came six times.

“But it’s still not as much fun as Draw Something.”