Children of hippy parents getting shit eggs again

HIPPY parents will be giving their children drab, joyless dairy-free Easter eggs again this year, it has been confirmed.

As the egg rush begins, middle class eco-parents confirmed plans to disappoint their offspring with bland healthy eggs in unexciting boxes.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Despite their pleading, I don’t want my children being indoctrinated by the corporate chocolate behemoth.

“A Crunchie bar is a chocolate-covered phallic symbol laden with carcinogens, while I’ve read on parenting forums that Cadbury’s Creme Eggs are the product of grotesque genetic engineering where fondant is injected into hens.

“I shall be visiting my local independent wholefoods store and getting two NatureForest Gluten-Free Carob Ovals. Or maybe some Earth’s Way Non-Denominational Mini Planets.

“They come in tasteful packaging with pastoral imagery and cost about twenty pounds each, not that you can put a price on being a good person.”

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Everyone either on holiday or pissed off

BRITONS are currently either away or brimming with resentment, it has emerged. 

Experts said the nation had been split into two categories, with the ‘left-behinds’ defined by their loathing of the ‘gone-aways’.

Office worker Roy Hobbs said: “It’s like the day after the Rapture here, all the anointed ones have disappeared and only the lowly scumbags like me are left in the hellish tedium of corporate employment.

“Fuck them for their organised approach to holiday application forms.”

Sales executive Nikki Hollis said: “Everyone on my street has gone to lovely places. I am seriously considering breaking into their houses.

“Not to steal anything, just to move furniture around and freak them out. Maybe write the word ‘pricks’ in toothpaste on the bathroom mirror.”