Children Should Be Educated, Say Experts

BRITISH children should be taught things by trained professionals in some sort of large building, according to a major new report.

The Institute for Studies has set out detailed proposals for a concept known as ‘education’ which would be conducted by ‘teachers’ in a network of purpose-built facilities called ‘schools’.

Institute director, Professor Henry Brubaker, said: “In a world of ever-increasing reading, writing and adding up, we believe it is time for Britain to establish, what we have termed, an ‘education system’.”

Under the Brubaker plan children would be brought together in groups of 20-30 for about seven hours a day, with an hour for lunch as well as shorts breaks in the morning and afternoon to give them time to be utterly vile to each other.

Until the new schools can be constructed, Brubaker has proposed using the buildings where children currently go to swear, fight and contract herpes and chlamydia, while the existing staff in these buildings could be trained how to teach them instead of just sitting around all day, counting their money and waiting for their next holiday.

Prof Brubaker said: “The ‘teaching’ will concentrate on the reading and writing of words and the arithmeticking of numbers. Any child who is unwilling to learn these things would be set upon with a dirty great stick.”

He added: “There has been some debate over the age at which this ‘education’ should begin, though at this stage we should probably just focus on making sure that it does actually happen at some point.

“My personal view is that it should be before the child is big enough to call me a prick and then break into my fucking car.”

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Rugby Player Banned For Wrong Kind Of Violence

A RUGBY player has been handed a 12-week ban after injuring an opponent in an insufficiently violent way.

Leinster's Shane Jennings was found guilty of eye-gouging despite having a clear opportunity to take a pair of pliers to his opponent's testicles while stapling his nose to his buttocks.

Jennings insisted: "I'll now focus my life-threatening activities on pulling people's scrota past their arse-cracks, chewing their feet off or thrusting their head into a bucket of piranhas."

A European Rugby Cup spokesman said: "This is the kind of predictable, eye-based violence we are trying to stamp out. Unlike stamping which we are all in favour of, especially if it's right in the eye.

"These players are trained to pull opponents kneecaps off and wear them as monocles. We teach them how to break people's fingers in so many places they can spell out the word 'Rugby' and we show them how to kick someone's jaw so hard that you may as well use it for soup. Eye-gouging just seems lazy."

He added: "I remember one match a few years ago where the number eight punched the fly-half so hard up the ring-piece it was basically Keith Harris and Orville the Duck without the squeaky voice. Happy days."

Law 10.4 of the rules of rugby union football states that while casually kicking someone repeatedly in the eyebrow or eyelid is acceptable, attacks on the eyeball must be carried out in a way that does not bring the sport into disrepute.

Meanwhile the International Rugby Board has welcomed the decision, insisting it would once again send a clear message that rugby is not a sport for homosexuals, despite the well-established mountain of evidence to the contrary.