Plinth Art Project To Continue In Swindon Lapdancing Club

THE manager of a Swindon table dancing club last night offered members of the public the chance to express themselves on a plinth, especially if they have big tits.

Eddie Harris, owner and resident compere at Korky Katz, has created an 'interactive platform for creative expression for semi-attractive women under 35' who were unable to take part in Anthony Gormley's public art project.

Mr Harris said: "We don't actually have a plinth, but there is a shiny metal pole and a slightly raised area made from old pallets covered in chipboard.

"It's a unique artistic environment with plenty of chrome and smoked glass, while musical ambience is provided by our resident DJ Beefy playing a selection of 80s floorfillers and plenty of smooth R&B to promote pelvic grinding."

Mr Harris has recently completed an Arts Council grant application to fund his project, which he has entitled 'Friday Nite Hotness at Korky Katz with 2-for-1 on Metz'.

"I used the word 'facilitate' in every other sentence and assured them that while there will be lots of birds' tits and that, the whole thing will be steeped in irony. I'm hoping to get about six grand."

He added: "Basically, the 'living sculptures' can do whatever they want as long as it involves bare bums. But mind out for my terrier cross 'cause he does like to run onto the stage and start licking the performers' thighs.

"I've tried to stop him but he's a randy little bastard, and I can't bring myself to have his knackers off."

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Do Chris Martin Next, Says Everyone

THE man who punched Leona Lewis in the side of the head was last night urged to have a pop at Chris Martin when he has a minute.

The unnamed assailant was arrested moments after the incident in central London as people across Britain urged magistrates to release him on bail so he can continue with his important work.

Tom Logan, director of the campaign group Do Chris Martin! Do Chris Martin! said: "Leona Lewis sounds like a transgender version of Whitney Houston who should really be in front of a mirror with a hairbrush.

"But there is a vast gulf between singing badly and singing badly while telling me to buy very expensive vegetables while you get paid millions of pounds a year for singing badly. And he named his kid after a fruit."

Mr Logan added: "I'm not saying we should do any lasting damage to Chris Martin. Not as such. But in these troubled times, a hefty clip round the ear would surely make us all feel better. I fail to see how it couldn't."

Emma Bradford, from Doncaster, added: "If someone is going round spanking pop stars on the noggin, I have a list.

"Bono, obviously – I'll lend you the cricket bat; Robbie Williams – I've just always wanted to make him cry; and Paul McCartney – you should swipe at him with a leg of lamb.

"And then of course there's Chris de Burgh. Admittedly that's not so much a blow to the head as it is a car battery, a pair of sturdy clamps, a jar of lemon curd and a box full of fire ants.

"But I'm saving that one for myself."