JJB Drops 'Sports' From Title After Admitting It Was Fooling Nobody

JJB Sports, the troubled high street vendor of television watching apparel, has finally dropped the 'Sports' from its name.

The company admitted the word simply led to confusion and would only be reinstated if collecting incapacity benefit is included in the 2012 London Olympics.

Brand consultant Tom Logan, backed the move, adding: "Athletic achievement has never been a top priority for their customer base. The most gruelling exercise they get is a round trip from the sofa and back via Greggs and Cash Convertors.

"I know you think I'm being a bastard here, but come on. Yeah?"

The store's new title has yet to be finalised, although the favourites include 'JJB Sits', 'JJB Clothes with Writing On' and the more direct 'Free Cakes Here'.

Logan said: "The store appeals to a diverse demographic including people who do minor cheque book fraud and teenage boys who masturbate over Nuts magazine while fantasising about owning a Vectra with the word 'Turbo' written on the door in marker pen, as well as the congenitally wide and/or hefty."

He added: "You'll notice that I didn't include Linford Christie or Daley Thompson in that list."

Wayne Hayes, a JJB customer who is currently off work with a bad back, said: "I go there once a month to buy jogging trousers. I think jogging is a type of console game where you shoot zombie crabs.

"They have an excellent selection of casual and smart tracksuits. I got a cracking bespoke shell suit with stripes down the side and a logo of two naked birds holding each other by the tits that I wore for my uncle Pete's wedding."

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm a manager, but my staff don't respect me at all, and are constantly making me the butt of their jokes. At first I just ignored them, but over the last few weeks it has got worse. I constantly find post-it-notes saying things like 'twatmuppet' and 'knob-gobbler' stuck to my back, and the other day, I came in to find my Winne the Pooh desk mascot hanging from the ceiling in some kind of mock-execution. I know I'm a grown man, but I can't help feel like I am being bullied. How can I regain my authority?

Dear Darren,
You need to promise me, that no matter how bad the bullying gets, you don't tell your mum and dad about it. They might seem like they want to help, but let's face it, they're probably the reason you're being bullied in the first place. (If only your dad hadn't insisted on picking you up from the school disco half an hour early, striding on to the dancefloor with the dog and calling for you loudly as you cowered in shame under the strobe lights.)

Once you let your parents in on it, it's only a matter of time before they're phoning the headmaster to complain, or worse, making your big sister walk you to school. As soon as you're out of sight of the house in the morning she’ll grab you by your tie and warn you through her teeth to walk at least 100 yards behind her, on pain of death.

If you want any hope of surviving this, you need to deal with it yourself. The best plan is to keep your head down and wait patiently until some other, more deserving loser comes along to divert the bullies' attention.
Hope that helps!