Christmas 'train chaos' raises hope that relatives will be unable to visit

RAIL delays this Christmas could prevent tiresome family members from coming to your house, it has emerged.

Delays are now expected across four different lines over the festive period with the South East and Brighton looking to be the worst hit.

Tom Logan said: “If the railways are down, my wife’s parents may have to remain in Surrey with their hateful opinions, rather than coming to our house for what seems like an eternity.

“I’ve always maintained that train companies are bastards but suddenly I am warming to them.”

23-year-old Wayne Hayes is equally hopefully of having his plans disrupted: “I was going to my mum’s house to sleep in my childhood bed and not have sex with my girlfriend because the walls are thin.

‘But if the trains are down I’ll have to stay in my flat, drink brandy and watch Raging Bull under a duvet. Like a free man.”

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Hospital parking charges fair because most people just go there for a laugh

MOST people who go to hospitals do so purely for fun, it has been claimed.

Defending hospital parking charges,  Tory MP Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Hospitals have great retail outlets, like a newsagent and a Costa, which attract families to go there just for a day out.

“They check out the abstract art in the reception foyer, watch some News 24 on a big telly with the sound turned down and sometimes just put a gown on and lie on a bed.

“Only a tiny fraction of the people at a hospital actually have anything wrong with them, which is why it’s fair enough that visitors should pay to park, the same as if they went to the cinema.

“Actually I think parking is usually free at the cinema but you get the idea.”

Plumber Bill McKay said: “The main reason I go to the hospital is because my wife is ill. If that wasn’t the case I very much doubt I would bother.

“Although the staff are perfectly helpful, I would not describe the hospital as having a ‘cool vibe’.”