Church bellringers asked if they know what f**king day it is

BELLRINGERS have been asked why in Christ they are making all that noise.

More than 400,000 people have signed a petition asking bellringers to move their special bell practice or whatever the hell it is to Monday lunchtime when it would disturb nobody.

Nathan Muir, from Canterbury said: “Everyone needs a hobby, I understand that. I glue glitter to pictures of Fiona Bruce.

“But it’s Sunday morning, for God’s sake. Who are these people? Is this foreign? Is it a foreign thing?

“What are they ringing all their bells for, anyway? To get everyone to come to church? What does that mean? Is it Christmas? Have I been in a coma and it’s Christmas? What year is it? Quick, get me a mirror.”

Bellringer Margaret Gerving said: “I do it because I hate people. It makes me happy.”

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Adults call for return of Saturday morning kids’ TV

ADULTS have called for the Saturday morning kids’ programmes which acted as a gentle hangover cure to be brought back to TV.

Since children were given their own TV channels, adults have found themselves missing the four-hour time fillers that were the gateway from the aftermath of an alcoholic stupor to some kind of sport.

Wayne Hayes, from Burnley, said: “There would be some likable child-faced men leaping about with a girl you fancied but somehow weren’t quite meant to.

“Also, there would be a puppet. One of them was an alien who made me laugh.”

He added: “By the time I’d made my breakfast Pot Noodle there would be some unfathomable cartoon about Japanese kids turning into robot space lizards.

“As it approached lunchtime they’d all be flagging as I got stronger, like a vampire, and just as I was getting bored someone would ring up and call Matt Bianco ‘a bunch of wankers’.

Saturday Kitchen is unmitigated evil.”