Flatmates and a shit job make you seem younger, say experts

THE best way to feel younger is to have a dead-end job and live in a dilapidated shared house, researchers have found.

Scientists discovered that expensive face creams, dressing fashionably and going clubbing have only one-tenth the effect of getting the bus to a call centre because you have neither a driving licence nor a car.

Joanna Kramer of Bristol said: “I’m 36, but when I tell people I’m a part-time kitchen assistant at Wetherspoons they assume I’m in my early twenties.

“I still haven’t got a proper debit card, have no idea what to do with my life and live with strangers I despise. It’s like I’ve only just graduated from university.”

Retail worker Wayne Hayes agreed: “I think it’s the moped that does it for me.

“Certainly nobody would look at me and think ‘This is a man in his late 30s, weighed down by the responsibility of a mortgage and a career.

“I’m counting that as a win.”

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Britain watches torrential rain with deep, primeval satisfaction

BRITAIN is unable to stop watching today’s heavy rain because it touches something deep in the national psyche.

The rain, which began yesterday, has brought the country to a standstill as everyone stares, hypnotised, at the metronomic rainfall they did not realise how badly they had missed.

Eleanor Shaw, from Doncaster, said: “There have been showers, of course, but not the constant, unrelenting downpour that has such a primeval impact on the British mind.

“Sunshine is a capricious enemy who will turn on you in a moment. Rain, steadfast and remorseless, is the weather in which Britain thrives.

“Without rain, how would we whinge to strangers? What excuses would we find for our instinctive dislike of the outdoors? How would we sneer at cyclists?”

Stephen Malley, from Bath, said: “I can hear the gentle swooshing noise of cars driving past in the rain, and I had no idea how much I needed it.

“What is the sun but the brash orb of heathen foreigners? Only rain is true.”