Church Plans Supergay Parade Float

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has underlined the Church of England's support for tolerance and diversity with plans for a 'supergay' parade float.

Dr Rowan Williams said the Church would take part in this year's Gay Pride march in London for the first time and is thinking lots of feathers, a pirate theme or maybe even a great big chocolate cottage.

Dr Williams said: "I've spoken to Gok and he loves the idea of me in an eye patch with a large pink parrot on my shoulder.

"He said to me 'Rowan, three words – suede, pantaloons, fabulous' and I completely agree."

He added: "Many Anglican men still find homosexuals terrifying but I've discovered that once you got to know them they're just like members of the Women's Institute, but without the same tiresome obsession with anal sex."

Other ideas for the Anglican float include a dance routine featuring the Bishop of Durham as a peacock-feathered Virgin Mary miming to I'm Every Woman as well as a pirate-themed, jazz-tap version of Christ's resurrection to the tune of I Will Survive.

Diocese across the country are now running a competition to find 12 oiled-up, bare-chested vicars who will walk alongside the float wearing nothing but a dog-collar and their unshakeable faith.

Bill McKay, a Carlisle parishioner, said: "Our vicar has been growing an enormous handlebar moustache, replacing hymns with Wizard of Oz singalongs and peppering his sermons with references to Pierce Brosnan.

"Though, come to think of it, he has been doing all that since about 1992."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, my girlfriend was trying on an outfit and she asked my opinion. I said that she looked nice, at which point she got all uppity and said she didn't believe me and she wished that I would just be honest with her for once. So I told her the truth: that she looked like Les Dawson in a boob tube. Next thing I know she's dumped me. I really do not understand women – what am I doing wrong?

Dear Dirk,
I wouldn't worry too much. There are lots of things I don't understand either. For example, I once overheard my sister and her best friend, Stacey Morris, in my sister's bedroom talking about 'blow jobs'. Having not come across this mysterious expression before, I asked my sister to explain further. Unfortunately, in doing so, I gave away my secret position in her wardrobe and thus became the target for a swift and violent attack, resulting in my immediate ejection from her bedroom with two dead arms and a sore bottom.  
At Brownies that evening, I asked Brown Owl, as she is very wise, if a blow job could count towards my Hobbies badge. Unfortunately, whatever it means, it must be against Brownie-Guide law, because Brown Owl said I wasn't welcome at the Brownies anymore and when my mummy came to pick me up she was all shouty and red in the face. I had to go to bed with no supper that night, and for some reason my sister isn't allowed to be friends with Stacey Morris anymore. And despite all that fuss I'm still none the wiser. Thankfully, my granny is coming over for Sunday lunch this week so I'll ask her while she's having her prawn cocktail.
Hope that helps!