Church to invest in something other than oil or poor people

THE Church of England is to sell its shares in fossil fuel companies and continue to not give that money to the poor.

The Church said climate change was an ‘existential threat’ to the human race, ‘especially if you’re poor, which must be awful’.

The Archbishop of Canterbury said: “We will sell the shares and invest the money in nice things like trees and pharmaceutical companies who specialise in anti-depressants.

“Poor people love to climb trees and if no one is looking they could cut one of the trees down and use it to make furniture that they could sell at a market.”

He added: “I don’t why we don’t just hand the Church’s millions of pounds to poor people. Nobody does, but it’s too late to start now.

“And I’m sure Jesus would understand, because he also loved to climb trees.

“Well not trees, as such, but large bits of wood.”

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So we meet again, Southern tells commuters

SOUTHERN trains has admitted its passengers are ‘resilient bastards’ who do not know when they are beaten.

Thousands of commuters shrugged off yesterday’s vicious pummeling by the train company and turned up at their local stations this morning, bloodied but unbowed, hoping to somehow get to work.

Southern chief executive, Charles Augustus Milverton, said: “So we meet again.

“I have to hand it to you, you’ve got guts. There are even times when I wonder what it would be like if we were on the same side.

“But then I remember how sentimental you are about each other. Your humanity is your weakness.”

Milverton added: “You do know you can’t win. Even if you all join together I will still defeat you because I control the trains and the trains are life.

“All I have to do is press this shiny red button and your world falls apart.

“But let’s play our game for a little longer, shall we? I do find it rather stimulating.”