The Mash guide to the Miliband stumble

WHEN Ed Miliband stumbled on his dismount from the Question Time podium last night, he threw away Labour’s election hopes. Here’s why:

‘Tripping’ is hippy slang for being high on LSD which makes users think they can fly. Experts believe Miliband, dosed up on LSD, thought he could effortlessly levitate down from the podium.

Miliband’s oversized eyeballs, which detect light well beyond the human visual spectrum and mean he sees people much as the Predator does, adversely affect his depth perception and caused him to miss the step.

The Labour leader is thought to have shattered both of his weak, intellectual North London ankles in the fall and will complete the election campaign on a mobility scooter, repelling floating voters.

Electorates have traditionally mistrusted clumsy leaders. Neville Chamberlain tumbled down an airplane’s steps in 1938 on his return from meeting Hitler in Munich. Concerned crowds gathered at 10 Downing Street, where Chamberlain then fell from an upstairs window. Within a year Britain was at war.

The Queen requires all prospective prime ministers to run a short obstacle course in the grounds of Windsor Castle before asking them to form a government, a test Miliband could never pass.

David Cameron has responded with a short film of himself walking over stony ground while reading a book, Nicola Sturgeon is out meeting voters on a balance beam, and Nick Clegg will walk a wire suspended between the chimneys of Battersea Power Station.

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Cameron offers to postpone General Election until 2020

DAVID Cameron has offered to delay the general election for five years to give voters chance to make up their minds.

With much of the electorate still undecided, the prime minister has volunteered to stay in Downing Street for the rest of the decade rather than rush them into anything.

He said: “Nobody likes elections so if you don’t feel you’re in the mood for one let’s just skip it.

“I’m willing to hold the fort for another few years, continuing to do the excellent job I think we’re all agreed I’ve been doing, and by 2020 we’ll all know each other a lot better.

“That’s if you even want to bother.”

The suggestion was seconded by Nick Clegg and won the surprise backing of Nigel Farage, who admitted the last few weeks have been less fun than he had imagined they would be.

Cameron added: “I think it’s time we thought about scrapping these farces altogether.

“What say I give £150 to every hardworking family in Britain and we agree to cancel elections completely? You’d take that, wouldn’t you?”