Wigan relegated despite being unpleasant

THE failure of a horrible manager and offensive chairman to achieve success turns conventional football wisdom upside down, say experts.

Wigan Athletic’s drop into League One has left the world of football scratching its collective head and wondering how the combination of Dave Whelan and Malky Mackay could possibly fail.

Football blogger Tom Logan, 28, said: “Everybody knows that in football the more unpleasant you are the greater your chances of winning trophies.

“Yet here you had a perfect double act of an owner who riles everybody and a coach whose comments pissed people off.

“It was Sir Alex and Malcom Glazer all over again, but somehow the magic failed to work.

“It makes me question whether Chelsea’s EPL titles are down to more than just having an irritating twerp in charge of the team and a dodgy oligarch financing it.”

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Ask Holly: Do you think I'd look good with a side ponytail?

Dear Holly,

I am sick to the back teeth of people constantly asking me probing questions about my private life. The other day I went to the barber and some filthy nosey shit-eater with a pair of scissors was asking me where I was going on my holidays and what I was up to at the weekend. I had to storm out with half a haircut. Do you think I’d look good with a side ponytail?


Los Angeles

Dear Robert,

When you are at school, teachers are always asking you stupid questions: “What is the capital of France?”; “What is fifteen divided by seven?”; “Who was the King of England in 1245”; “Who is making that annoying humming noise?”; “Which one of you little imbeciles stuck the picture of a tiny phallus on my back?” and so on. Someone should tell the headmaster that these people know nothing and need to re-train immediately.

Hope that helps!