Life now nasty, brutish and long

INCREASED life expectancy has forced several key sayings about man’s lot to be revised. 

Thomas Hobbes’s famous quote that “the life of man is solitary, poor, brutish, nasty and short” has been revised to replace “short” with “interminably long” and “solitary” with “packed with bastards”. 

Philosopher Donna Sheridan said: “The marvellous news that we’ll all be getting extra years in the nursing home has made our aphorisms inaccurate. 

“Life is now, at the very least, several bitches and then you die with the number of bitches possibly reaching double figures. 

“Or if life is a bowl of cherries, then it’s a massive bowl and the cherries at the bottom are mushy and inedible.”

82-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “That one about the box of chocolates from Jurassic Park is still right, in that all the good chocolates go early on and the rest are only eaten out of obligation. 

“The best things in life aren’t free, though. They’re male escorts.”

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Young people not giving a shit about 'Milibrand'

BRITAIN’S under-25s said Ed Miliband’s attempt to connect with them via Russell Brand is wrong in every possible way.

As political pundits debate the effectiveness of the ‘Milibrand’ interview, young people stressed that everything about it was a complete waste of time.

Tom Logan, 19, from Peterborough, said: “Was I influenced by it? What the fuck are you talking about? My mum likes Russell Brand. She’s 44. She thinks he’s clever and sexy, so no, I’m not a fan.”

Logan added: “Anyone who is being interviewed by Russell Brand is, by association, equally irrelevant. Ed Miliband may as well have been on the telly. My mum watches the telly.”

Nikki Hollis, 20, from Stevenage said: “Do you think we all share YouTube clips on our Facebook pages? Yeah, and our phones are powered with steam. Idiots.

“And please tell me you didn’t combine their names like that for our sake. Because that would be so fucked up.”

She added: “To make this nice and easy, if you’ve heard of it, we haven’t and vice versa.”