Churches Urged To Ban Noisy Little Shits

CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.

The move comes after a Lichfield vicar was given the freedom of the city after telling a two year-old to 'shut up or piss off' during its parents' wedding ceremony.

The vicar was paraded around the city centre on a gilded throne before being presented with a brand new Aston Martin and his pick of the local barmaids.

Churches across the UK are now being urged to adopt a zero-tolerance approach to anything under five years of age.

Wayne Hayes, a spokesman for People Against Toddlers, said: "Wedding ceremonies are excruciating enough without the relentless screaming of some jam-filled brat.

"Unfortunately, many of our churches do seem to be specially designed to take the sound of a screeching child and then channel it directly into the middle of your brain.

"If you do have to bring your child to a wedding, why not just leave it in the car or tie it to a tree?"

Hayes added: "The only time a noisy child is in any way acceptable is when the bride's best friend from university is reading that fucking passage from Captain Corelli's Mandolin."

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Snail Price Rise Forces French To Eat Own Bogies

A SHARP rise in the price of snails is forcing millions of hard-up Frenchmen to eat their own bogies. 

The French normally consume 14,000 tonnes of snails every year, which they import from Eastern Europe to eat alongside frog thighs and horse testicles.

However, supplies have collapsed after a mass outbreak of shell flu among the vast snail herds of Bulgaria and the Russian Steppes.

Guy Defarge, head chef at Le Dégoûtant in Paris, said: "We try rat's pancreas, ze sex organs of a squid, and ze eyeballs of a raccoon, and zey all taste fantastique, very popular.

"But zey are not ze snail, so instead we just use bogies and zey work like a charm. Now we are asking ze staff to keep all their bogies in a jar."

He added: "We have also placed a sign in ze window offering instant cash payment for large, good quality bogies with no black bits."

Meanwhile President Sarkozy and his incredibly hot wife have come under fire from Le Monde for eating foreign worms instead of 'simple French snot'.

Defarge said: "Monsieur Sarkozy is out of touch. Lucky for him his wife is such a total and utter pump."