GORDON Brown has outlined plans to recapture the political agenda by acting like your old gran.
The prime minister is urging people to finish their dinner and reminding them that during the war Britain had to eat mice, tree bark and bits of shoe.
In a speech today he will say: "Have you got a girlfriend yet? Better get a move on, or everyone'll think you're a poofter."
And later this week Mr Brown will send out 60 million envelopes, each containing a recipe for boiled egg stew, a single white sports sock and a 50 pence piece.
Meanwhile Downing Street sources say the prime minister is handing out 12 year-old Murray Mints before cabinet meetings and has written angry letters to ITV, demanding new episodes of Murder She Wrote.
Dr Julian Cook, a political analyst at the Institute for Studies, said: "The grandmother agenda probably began last year, when Mr Brown started going on and on about 'British jobs for British workers' and asking Lenny Henry if he preferred the weather in his own country."
He added: "What Mr Brown fails to realise is that while some people may like their own gran, they absolutely do not like anyone else's, especially if it's a six-foot tall, brooding, Scottish sociopath."
The prime minister's new strategy will also involve criticising your mother's parenting skills and telling her she dresses like a prostitute.