City trader who works 18 hours a day thinks he's 'a winner'

A MAN who works in a high level city job and gets four hours sleep a night considers his life a success.

Wayne Hayes, 30, takes no lunch breaks and works all through weekends to maintain what he regards as a position at the top of humanity.

Hayes said: “Sleep is for losers. As is family life and leisure pursuits of any kind.”

Doctors have predicted that Hayes will be dead by the time he is 35, but Hayes insisted that, ‘middle age is for losers’.

He admitted he sometimes wondered if he was not just a modern day slave who had been dumb enough to buy into a psychotic corporate work ethic.

But he added: “The prestige, the BMW and the mortgage on a maisonette in Croydon make it all worthwhile.”

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Airport pubs hailed as best bit of going on holiday

BEING able to get legitimately drunk at 7am is the best part of going abroad, it has been confirmed.

Millions of people across the UK look forward to a hardcore early morning session in a hideously overpriced bar, despite knowing that the beginning of their trip will be ruined by a hideous hangover.

Holidaymaker Matin Bishop said: “There is nothing finer than being able to neck five pints of lager at a ridiculous time of the morning, even though it will cost me more money than I spent on the rest of the holiday.

“Plus, you end up feeling even more drunk thanks to the disorientating experience of having no sleep and sitting in a strip-lit hangar that reeks of perfume. It’s like a wonderful hallucinogenic dream.”

He added: “The rest of the holiday be utterly hellish because I will be with my friends for a continuous period of seven days.”