Closing ceremony to showcase least pleasant aspects of Britain

IN a bid to ensure international visitors don’t outstay their welcome, the Olympics closing ceremony will feature the fighting and vomiting aspects of the UK.

The epic event will feature a specially-constructed 23-storey Wetherspoons and 10,000 drunkards drumming along to Oops Upside Your Head before the largest synchronised vomit in history.

Volunteers will drink four litres of value-range cola and eat 2lb of asparagus on the day of the ceremony  to ensure all the seats in the stadium are coated in a pungent layer of urine, illustrating the traditional use of the UK’s public places.

All other Olympic volunteers have been instructed to mug the spectators as they leave the stadium, with each mugging having a personally-tailored racial epithet based on the ticket-holder’s booking information.

The climax of the ceremony will be the dousing of the Olympic flame by Wayne Hayes, a taxi driver from Carlisle, who will light his roll-up on the flame, complain about his last gas bill, extinguish it and tell the remainder of the crowd to fuck off home.

There will also be an interactive element to proceedings as ‘townie’ pissheads in shiny short-sleeved shirts blunder through the audience, deliberately bashing into people in the hope of starting a ruckus.

Artistic director Danny Boyle said: “The powers-that-be are concerned that the overall success and good vibes during the games may have given tourists an unrealistically positive impression of the country.

“While I’m intrigued by the creative challenge of a bleak and nihilistic closing event, I baulked at their suggestion of filling the stadium with West Ham fans.

“However they insisted on having One Direction, even though I thought that was too depressing.”



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Clegg to set more achievable goals

FOLLOWING his failure to push through House of Lords reform, Nick Clegg is to attempt less ambitious things like making roast potatoes.

Clegg’s defeat in the AV referendum and U-turn on university tuition fees are believed to have caused lasting damage to his self-esteem. He has engaged the services of American life coach Francesca Johnson to rebuild his shattered psyche to the point where he can look in the mirror without crying.

The ‘deputy prime minister’ said: “I will dedicate the next few weeks to perfecting the art of cooking a really good roastie. Crispy on the outside, soft and steaming in the middle.

“Also it would be nice if I was a bit better at typing.”

Francesca Johnson, who also wrote 25 Steps to a Less Gullible You, explained: “When I first met Nick, he was convinced he was an important and influential person.

“We are focusing on things he can actually do.  Nick has been able to tie his own shoelaces for several years now, so for the last few weeks he has been repeatedly tying and untying his shoes.

“One day David Cameron burst in and quickly tied Nick’s shoes with a double knot, which Nick can’t undo yet.  I just don’t understand why people do things like that.”

Johnson says the road to recovery is a long one, warning: “Nick is still in a very dark place.”  This is believed to be the Deputy PM’s constituency, Sheffield.