Olympic Village rife with regimented, goal-based sex

OLYMPIC athletes are engaged in lots of sex, which they see as some sort of physical endurance challenge.

The gathering of 10,000 young, fit, unfeasibly highly-motivated freaks in an enclosed space has fuelled intense media speculation about whether they have genitals.

Sprinter Tom Logan said: “We Olympians consider intercourse to be a form of cardio.

“Personally I commence my intercourse session with five minutes of ‘warm up’ which is usually six times ten repetitive tweaks of my partner’s nipples.

“Then it’s on to the thrusting component of the sex workout. This is my favourite part because it’s horizontal so it doesn’t strain the tendons or ligaments.

“I like to have my coach in the room, yelling encouragement like ‘Go Tom!’ and ‘You’re almost there!'”

Tom’s trainer Stephen Malley said: “I’ll stand over Tom while he’s having sex, squirting isotonic sports drink into his mouth to keep him hydrated.

“He’s managed to get his finishing time down to 1 minute 4.46 seconds which is very impressive.”

American hurdler Emma Bradford said: “I try to deter my sexual training partners from kissing because it doesn’t burn calories fast enough and I’m not interesting in developing my mouth muscles.

“Also it encourages the sort of emotions that are not conducive to victory.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Yorkshire Olympians' medals due to being coached at school by Brian Glover

The shiny-pated actor/PE teacher instilled terror of failure into young Jessica Ennis.