Club 18-30 relaunched for angsty millennials

BOOZY Club 18-30 package holidays are being updated for introspective, self-obsessed millennials, it has been confirmed.

Due to changing tastes, alcohol-fuelled copulation and foam parties will be replaced by activities such as texting about career problems and binge-watching Girls.

Club rep Wayne Hayes said: “Millennials prefer to sip coffee and overthink their relationships than drink till they puke or get locked up by the Policia for shagging in public.

“Our daily ‘Boobs Cruise’ now consists of millennials sitting quietly on a boat looking for somewhere to plug their Mac in, with club reps empathising about the high cost of renting instead of trying to fuck them.

“We’ve dropped simulated fellatio competitions in scummy nightclubs in favour of who can take the most selfies with street food. It’s dull but at least you’re not always clearing up vomit.

“We did try getting them to lick crushed avocado off each other but they just kept asking if it was Fairtrade.”

Millennial holidaymaker Tom Logan said: “The reps took us to this coffee shop playing Lana Del Rey where you could drink all the lattes you wanted from a massive bowl. It was mental.

“The best thing is all the women. This week I really connected with 12 different ones. If I play my cards right one of them might let me listen to her podcast.”

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Everyone waiting for bit of conversation where they get to talk

EVERYONE in every conversation is actually just waiting for the other person to shut up so they can talk, research has found. 

A survey found that while nobody wants to hear other people blathering on about their dull lives, everybody is more than happy to enlighten others about their own.

Nikki Hollis, from Colchester, said: “It’s so rude when people obliviously monologue about themselves. It’s like, when will it be my go to do exactly the same thing?

“When I ask my friends how they are, I don’t actually want to know the answer; I want them to say ‘fine, thanks’ so we can change the subject back to me.”

Tom Booker agreed: “In theory I should pay attention to what people say, because it could be about me, but I need to make sure my next bit’s ready so I just frown and nod.

“After all I’m the main attraction, so I need to plan how I’ll enthrall them when they finally shut the fuck up.”